Filed under: Life, Love, Madness, Realness, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, esmeralda, jon, jonathan, jonathan d beale, Life, Love, reality, the words we love, words
So I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night. Well, more like this morning, at 1 AM. I was confessing my confusion to him, the one I had towards Jon and I, and our not-yet “us”. I’m glad I spoke to him, because, well… In a way, he broke all confusion. Not all, but most, and I came to the conclusion that: IT’S JON.
It’s Jon whom I want by my side. It’s Jon whom I want to: love, change my facebook status with, care for, fight with, surprise, kiss, adore, message, massage, send letters to, hit, cry on, scream at, write on my blog about, be with, and eventually make love with or to. It’s Jon, because he makes me smile all the time, and he’s on my mind too much. And with him I don’t feel like I’m cheating on anyone. Actually, with him it feels just right, like it’s something that was meant to happen all along, after all of our “drama”. It was just meant to happen, and now it’s happening. I’ve given Jon my heart. I’m all Jon’s. I don’t want to think about any other guy, or think that any other guy is able to. And I’m glad I don’t.
But…
His message did madden me, among many other feelings. But it made me mad because, because he said I thought he was a fool. And I don’t believe he is. Besides, he shouldn’t have gotten mad at my message. My facebook status says I’m single. And yes, I know it’s pretty pathetic to say that just because my facebook status says so, then it must be. But that’s not my point. My point is that he said he would change it. Or that we would. And we haven’t. So he shouldn’t get mad. Because I can have as many guys. But then that’ll mean he can have as many girls, and I don’t want him to, because I want him just for me, which is why I believe we should go public.
I also felt happy, because he said things he hasn’t. And it just made me see how much he does love me. But he labeled himself as “the other him”, just because my stupid self wrote that on a blog.
But…
JON! You’re not the other him. My love, my precious love… YOU ARE HIM.
And there’s no other. There is just you and I, and me waiting on you. And me telling you that I love you more than anyone. That my heart is yours, only yours, and no one else’s. Gosh, Jon. I wish you could get into my head. This isn’t a game. This is true. I’m risking it all for you…
I’m going through one hell of a ride right now. That much is true. But the one thing I’m completely sure of is you. I’m sure that this is right, and that my feelings for you are utterly genuine. So please, never ever ever dare say I’m playing games with you! Or that I’m not yours, or that I don’t love you. Because YOU would only be fooling YOURSELF.
I’ve been listening to this song, and well… It reminds me of him and other him. I’m still quite confused. But I know what I’ll do. I’m giving Jon a chance. I’m setting aside any boundary, and from now on, it’ll just be him, my Jon. I hope…
Filed under: Confusion, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Madness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, realizations
I don’t know what anything means anymore. I have lost any kind or type of sense I had about the world or its belongings. I don’t know what love is, or what it means to be in love. I don’t know what life is, or what it means to live. I’m just going day by day, living on impulses and instincts. But he says that instincts shouldn’t be trusted, because they can mislead us to places or ideas full of non-controlling madness and loss. And I agree. Right now I’m in this overlapping place, where all these emotions are taking a hold of my body, as if demons possessing me. And they’re so many, I don’t know which one to go by indefinitely.
There’s him, and the fact that I must move on and forget about him. Yet the love is so strong, and for some odd reason, every time I try for the slightest to just forget, I actually feel quite guilty, as if I was cheating on him. And it is odd. It truly is odd, for we are not together, and we never will be, because he’s fallen in love our friend, and he can’t manage to forget her. And that’s just another extremely eccentric fact, that him and I are both in the same exact position. Still, I have to hold it in, because he needs a goddamn friend. And I try… But there’s nothing that could get to him. Nothing that I know of anyways.
Aside from that, there’s the other him, Jon. He’s amazing, and he’s the guy I’m honestly, hands down, willing to give my heart to. But this is my life, and my life has to provide all sorts of barriers, because I obviously can’t be entirely happy. So to honor this fact, there’s this girl, and she’s with him, and I fear her presence next to him. I know she wants him. It’s kind of obvious, aside from the fact that I know girls because I am one. But it’s just the way she’s always craving for his attention, and the way she teases his acquaintances so he can get completely envious and just want her. I’m actually aware of the fact that he has feelings for her, even though he loves me. Yes, he loves me, or as so he says. Today I actually told him that it’s either her or me. He broke down, told me why he’s with her, which I sort of already knew, and told me that he’s choosing me. I was happy, of course. But it just wasn’t enough. Truth is, I love you just isn’t enough when you know the man you love has feelings for another girl. So I told him to drill these words into the tissues of his brain: Actions speak louder than words. He said he’ll never forget, and I hope he doesn’t, because I think he just stole it… That thing in the middle of my chest that pumps blood around my body. I believe he did. Still, there are times when I don’t know whether to believe him or not. So all I do is fear for my soul…
Adding to the list, there’s them. And them not being able to understand, and my fear of them telling me things I just don’t wish to listen to. This is why I don’t tell them my real losses, because I just don’t want to listen to their cold, dead words trickle down my body, making me shiver. I don’t want to just sit there and take it in, because I want to be a good friend, and I don’t want to fight them off when they’re saying something “enlightening”. This is why I’ve been so gloomy lately. I haven’t been able to express myself, and since my words are never read, then writing doesn’t appease me to its fullest.
Last, but never least, is the consequence of all of these facts. I am lost; that is the outcome. I am lost inside my own head, trying to find myself once again. And there’s no map, no particular directions. It’s just an empty dirt-road, leading to nowhere. And all this looking and trying to find out things, has made me mentally and physically exhausted, too lonely, and tired. But my soul is just tired of being tired… So it doesn’t even know it’s actual state of being.
I just want to cease existence, and disappear into the nothingness for a while.
You make me nervous. I wrote you an email because I care, and because I love, and well, all the while I was writing, I was shaking. Then you spoke to me, and my heart started to race, and the anxiety just grew. And now we’re still talking, and I can’t stop shaking. These are just the things you do to me.
And all in all, I just probably found out that night didn’t mean shit to you.
I just needed to get it out.
Filed under: Blogroll, Happiness, Life, Love, Moments, Realness | Tags: blog, deep eyes, esmeralda, Happiness, her, him, i love you, inspiration, j, kisses, Life, loss, Love, Moments, never will forget, soft skin, surprised me, truly felt infinite, words
I will never be able to forget those eyes, those deep, soft, and blue eyes, and that night when they pierced right through me. They definitely caught me off guard. I was just trying to spot you, just know where you were, but you had already spotted me. And as I turned around, there you were, sitting a few feet away from me, with your elbows stationed on your knees, with a cigarette between your delicate fingers, and a cruel, intensified look in your eyes, as their gaze pierced right into my soul. And I will never deny that I loved every second of it.
I will also never be able to forget that moment, that moment in which we finally gave in, and your gracious body sat next to mine under the lightly pouring rain, and I was able to softly caress your eyes, and your velvety, milky skin, and those luscious, red lips I was dying to kiss. And all the time while I was faintly trying to caress your soul, your wondrous eyes were gaping at me, completely vulnerable. I knew I could have, if I wanted to. Yet I never would have taken advantage of you. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know, my sweet Savior.
One of the last things, among many others I have yet to say, that I will never be able to forget, was that moment in which both of our dissipated figures stood right in front of the other, and then I softly whispered into the air for you to take a hold of my hands, and you did so, without thinking it twice. And then we were there, looking at each other’s eyes, stuck in time. And then I risked it all by just saying the words I’ll always mean, “I love you”. And you genuinely surprised me by answering back the words I’ll never forget you said, “I love you too”. And I knew you meant them, because your fragile eyes would never lie to me. And in that moment, in that exact moment, I truly felt infinite.
These are the things I will never be able to forget.
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Life, Love, Sad, Thoughts | Tags: birthday, blog, blue, esmeralda, her, june, letter, Life, Love, wishes
Today is 10 June 2009. It’s actually that day in the year where I get a little bit older, but just a little bit. It’s depressing though, knowing I’m growing old, and nowhere near what I want. I have so many wishes for this year to come. I want love, and him (even though maybe it’s too much to ask). I want to be happy, and make some progress in my writing, and find a happy medium with everything. And well, someone to believe in me as much as I don’t believe in myself. That is exactly what I need. But I never really get exactly what I need, especially not what I want, so it’s just a waste of time wishing and wanting. In the end I’ll just have nothing in return.
It hurts, because he terminated his relationship. At least that’s what the source told me. The source also told me that the first person he told was P. Still, she said I shouldn’t start assuming anything because truth is, the source only knows so much. Besides, he’s still in that weird place where he’s just confused and knows nothing at all. So…. Yeah. I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I just can’t stand. Sometimes I just feel completely out of control, and I’m reaching and reaching, but things are just slipping away on their own, and I have no power over anything. I have no rule over myself. I’m just a dead on body roaming around, and trying to seek for a soul to make it alive again. It’s true what he said later on, about me not being real. He said the right thing for all the wrong reasons. But of course, it’s understood, even if I know you don’t really comprehend.
Filed under: Blogroll, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: 2009, blog, esmeralda, friends, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, june, letter, Life, loneliness, lost, Love, ocean, PS, the beach, world
Today is 8 June 2009, and we’re all together, for the first time in a long time, at the beach. I spent the day with her, the girl I usually grow apart from. It was nice, but it wasn’t as nice as I’d want it to be. We spoke about him. We spoke about my He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and truth is, it was okay. It hurt, and I wanted to cry, because she was saying things that were happening to her that were actually happening to me too. And that just made me realize many things that aren’t as great. Right at this point, there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no deep, ocean blue eyes to look at, no future to foresee, and no desires to fulfill. There’s just nothing. And to tell you the truth, that’s just sad, and pathetic. It’s basically my life story. I always have something great and grand on my hand, carefully laying on the palm of my hand. I have it there, with me, and I’m so happy. But I have to close my hand somewhat, so it doesn’t escape. Still, I can’t close it too tight because then I’ll crush it. So then I open my hand at times, to take a good look at it, and admire its true beauty. And every time I do, my heart just lights up, and I feel like I can fly, and like I can do anything I’d want to do, because it gives me amazing and unimaginable powers. But then, as I’m admiring, it breaks away from my grip, and I lose it. Unfortunately, I can never get stuff back, but… Again, that’s just the way my life is. It’s a big cycle that ends when I finally lose the thing I love the most, just the way I lost my Mister Person. But he’s happy, and he’ll forget everything that happened, even though I made him promise me he wouldn’t. Maybe he won’t. But…
I found out something today, as she was talking. She said she doesn’t know how people will remember her. She says she doesn’t even think they will. But I know they will, and if they don’t, then they weren’t supposed to. But she doesn’t know that. She does, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She’s like him in a way. I told her so… But what I finally learned is that I found my passion, something she hasn’t yet, and wants to find. I’m actually glad I’ve found it. I am. But what does it mean? Words are just words. That’s what they are. They don’t mean anything, and they don’t make anyone any way. My words don’t mean shit. They are just… things I tend to feel, everyday, and things I need to write, because it’s the only way I’ll be able to express myself, and tell the people I feel things for just how I feel, even though I never actually get to tell them. But that’s all. I wish people could see my words for what they truly are. I wish people could see that my words are me, and that they’re feelings, and emotions, and fears, and wants, and desires. I want people to see that my words are real, and that they have a voice of their own, or at least I want them to. And…
I wish I finally met a guy close to what he ever was for me. I wish I could meet him, and for him to understand me the way no one has ever understood me. That was actually one of the reasons why it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be, our conversation. I wanted to say things, and I wanted her to believe me because she believes me. I still haven’t met that person who blindly believes in me. And it just hurt when she said that other girl could have been the girl able to save him. She mentioned all these qualities she is supposed to have, and I know I have it all. But I can’t tell her that it could be me, because she would so say that I’m not, and that I just need to forget about him, completely. But I don’t think that way, which is why I have to lie to everyone about him, because it’s the only way that I can finally get along with people. Now that I’ve said I’ll forget about him, people are actually feeling less… You know; all that weird stuff that they were saying. And well, that just makes their life better, and maybe now mine will get a bit better as well. All I want to do right now is just leave and finally get away and maybe find my true calling, which most likely be something having to do with words, and writing.
PS. We were also talking about the things that she wants. I didn’t tell her mine, but I just NEED someone to finally understand me, and believe me because they know that I wouldn’t lie about certain things, and that I just am not the way they all picture me.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: blog, dear world, esmeralda, find out, Letters, Life, Love, promise
You know, it turned out she didn’t really understand me. She was just being a friend, and friends listen to you even when they don’t understand. Good friends listen and shut up, because even though they know everything is fucked up, they know you don’t want to hear that. Good friends know that all you need is to vent, and that’s what she did. She was just being a good friend. But like everything in this world, things don’t last. I wish they did though… I wish spring lasted longer. I wish my words would too, and their impact. I wish his touch would stay printed on my body for a longer time. And I wish his words would stay stuck on me. And I actually wish that the alcohol would have stayed inside my system for a longer time. I liked it. I liked feeling free and feeling no shame whatsoever. I liked not effing caring what they think. And most of all, I liked telling him exactly how I feel.
World, today I found out one thing: they will NEVER understand. And because of this, I will never speak of him to them. The subject of his being will never come up. And if they ever do speak of him, I’ll just shun it out. I’ll say I don’t want or need to talk about it. I’ll say anything they wish to hear. But truth is, he’ll be there, in my mind, and in my heart, and in my soul. And to help with the therapy, I’ll talk to you about it. Thing is, now all I want to look forward to is leaving. I don’t think I’m coming back, and I feel terrible because it’s going to be hard to explain it to my parents and my family. It’s going to be hard not to come back. I really don’t want to come back.
From now on, world, you’re going to be my person. You’re going to know all my secrets, and know the things I really feel. I’ll try not to hide everything. I’ll try not to conceal any of my emotions or experiences. I promise I won’t.
Sincerely yours, esmeralda
Filed under: Blogroll, Confusion, Love, Thoughts | Tags: blog, carrion, esmeralda, josefina, josefine, Life, Love, Thoughts, weirdness, you
You say many things.
You say he loves me. You say he tells me nothing but the truth. You say that he lies to everyone except me. You say he doesn’t care what they think.
But…
Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t he tell everyone the truth because he doesn’t care what people think? Isn’t that how things are supposed to go?
The things YOU say confuse me.
