my persons, my words.

I wish you could see sometimes, what’s going on. But truth is, it’s not that you’re blind, or that I just don’t put stuff in your face. I do. But you intentionally rip out your eyes so you won’t have to care. You know, all you have to do is ask. No, not even. All you have to do is go to my blog regularly and just see, see where my thoughts are at the moment. But you don’t wish to. It’s such a drag lately, especially when you’re finally free and we don’t talk as much. Right now I was about to say, “but you know what? It’s all okay”. But I won’t, because I’m tired of pretending. I don’t like it, and this is NOT okay. Nothing is okay. I’m regularly saying I need you, but you take everything I say so lightly. I wonder if someday I start to grow very sad and I start to panic, and I say I need you, if you’ll joke about it, and say you’re tired and just hang up, because that’s how lightly you’ll take it. I wonder a lot sometimes. Well, lately I am. And I’m tired of wondering, I start to just shun things, and I sing inside my head. It sort of helps, you know? It does. For a while, I just don’t think, and I sing, and I start to make up this whole scene in my head as the lyrics go through my head. It’s rather cool.

But then something happens, and I get distracted, and I’m back to thinking that you… You’re not caring. And I hate it, because I have to think about your well-being, and you have to think about your well-being… So who thinks about me? Huh? And don’t give me crap about the fact that I should care about myself. I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW! One of the points of a relationship is the fact that each one cares for the other’s well-being, so oneself doesn’t have to. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. And you’re not good at it. You were… But I don’t know what happened and now you’re always tired and always busy and always something. And I’m scared of the fact that from now on, that’s all you’ll ever be. Just tired, busy, and something. And that you’ll never get to caring for me as you did before. 

And I’M TIRED of always having to have a talk with you. I’m tired! But you don’t get that. Yet I ALWAYS have to get YOU and all your crap. But I’m tired Jon… I’m tired. And I wish you would realize that.