Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts | Tags: Love, words, Happiness, blogs, jonathan d beale, period, only one
There’s only one thing I want out of life,
and that is YOU.
You and your outstanding physique.
You and your underrated psyche.
Just you…
Because,
even if you don’t think so,
you are amazing.
You’re not just a man…
You’re love.
You’re sweetness.
You’re passion.
You’re strength.
You’re compassion.
You’re boldness and chivalry.
You are even the color cerulean.
But most importantly,
you are my forever.
You are my smiles,
my tears,
my laughter,
my pain,
my joy,
my breathlessness,
my desire,
my passion,
my life…
You’re even that brightly lit moon that night to night accompanies that lonely star,
which is I.
I was alone and stripped from any kind of love for an eternity and seven months…
But then you appeared,
a superhero hidden under that natural brawny figure,
sweeping me off my feet into a better world.
And now you have me completely hypnotized with those loving cerulean eyes that make me melt any time I even dare to think about them touching my skin with their gaze.
Yet every time I do,
it’s all I desire.
“Strip me naked with your inhuman eyes and make love to me,” I shout within my heart, every time.
Like you once confessed,
I don’t know how I went this long without you.
I don’t even know why I claimed wonderful things about past lovers.
I didn’t know anything about anything until you arrived.
I used to have walls,
but you tore them apart.
And now there’s just you and me in the middle of all the dust and broken pieces,
embracing each other…
Loving each other.
I guess what I’m trying to say in shorter words is that I love you,
more than anything…
more than anyone.
And that I am more than honored to fulfill the role of your angel on earth for an eternity of forevers.
Jon,
What I’m trying to say is that
YOU’RE THE ONE.
Period.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Innocence, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: Life, Love, words, Happiness, blogs, true love, jon, jonathan d beale, cerulean, love words
My words have never served for much.
They’re not artistic.
They don’t even sound as such.
They don’t save lives,
and they don’t pay for my independence.
Mainly they’re just a bunch of letters put together, periods, and commas put together for my entertainment.
… Until the day when I found the source of all art,
the source that filled me up with all these magnificent new feelings and experiences,
ones I’ve never been able to experience due to my limited-pass in life.
It greeted me with extremely simple yet astonishing words that opened new doors to wondrous worlds full of exciting adventures.
It smiled a smile that blinded my eyes,
filling me up with a light that radiated from its whole being,
and an emotion stronger than life itself.
The light didn’t hurt.
The light didn’t kill.
The light healed.
And it was better than the rich sight our eyes provided daily.
“Oh! With this light as my source of life, let me be blind forever!” I happily announced.
Yet that was when it gifted my sight back, showing me the vast, cerulean-colored sea.
Oh! What a sight!
Better than all the painted masterpieces sold.
Better than the poetic narratives that most preached about.
And seconds later,
without noticing,
I was swimming in the bluest, most staggering, sea.
And I was filled with such peace and bliss,
that my worries began to softly melt away,
not caring about the fact that I wasn’t gifted with the skill of swimming…
Not caring if I would drown and die in this ravishing ocean,
where my body would either float on or drown in for all eternity.
I didn’t care!
… For I was feeling a connection with it that was just too unbearably remarkable.
Something that I couldn’t explain,
for no words would be enough…
No words could do it justice.
And even if there were the one word that would describe it perfectly,
no one would comprehend the gravity of this fondness,
for this feeling has yet to be felt by the rest of human kind.
But then the water started to drain away.
And I was left in a place filled with nothingness,
with a presence that not only embraced my soul,
but that now embraced my figure.
What felt like its arms pulled me in gently,
and as they did,
I could make out a brawny figure.
And as I caught my breath,
I sucked in the most delightful smell emanating from its form.
I could feel its arms resting on the small of my back as I listened to the symphony of his breaths.
I then let my head rest on this being’s chest,
and as I did,
a man was revealed out of thin air,
hugging me tightly,
his face buried in my hair.
He was white as milk,
but with a light touch of caramel.
His eyes were cerulean.
His hair was dirty blonde.
His figure was muscular, powerful, and grand!
And so breathtaking.
He was perfect…
Like a Greek God.
Everything about him had an air of mystery and a sense of complexity.
But in her head,
all she could perceive was the fact that he was just an angel gifted from above.
Her newfound inspiration.
A true miracle.
Her miracle!
One she would keep forever even if keeping him forever meant writing about him to the world daily.
She would do it…
All for him…
For she not only just discovered the beauty and inspiration she’d never had.
She had discovered something bigger…
BETTER!
… Love.
Filed under: Blogroll, Life, Love, Moments, Sad, Secrets, Thoughts, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, i love you, i miss you, i need you, Love, miss, need, words
These days I just wish we could be able to talk so I could tell you a couple of things I’ve been meaning to tell you. For starters, I love you. And I know maybe I say it a lot, but lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. I do. I do love you. And it’s not even the fact that lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. It’s just… I feel like you’re not there enough, so I have to write this in letters and poems and blogs, because I need someone to tell it to. But this isn’t enough.
But it’s all I have at the moment…
So, I love you Jon. I do. You are my forever. And the phrase could be such a cliche, but I don’t think it is. It’s perfect, and it defines us. Because we can do it. Because we’re far more strong than we give ourselves credit. It’s just that we both have a very long time without someone who would love us this way, so we’re a bit desperate. But we have to wait. Not a lot though, but we still have to wait. And we will, because it’ll so be worth it.
And I need you. I do! I need you so much. I need you here, or on the phone, or holding my hand, or looking into my eyes. I don’t really care how it is, but I need you. And I don’t want to accept it because maybe it’ll seem so childish and stupid or whatever, but I do. Many things have been going on, and I’m just trying, but I feel like I can’t take it. I need someone, and I need you Jon.
And lastly, I miss you. I miss your voice, and your sweet words, and your amazing love. I miss it all. I miss your eyes, and your smile, and your witty comments. And I love the way you lose yourself just thinking about me. It makes me feel so special, like there’s just no other girl for you. But lately I haven’t had any of it, and right now, I’m just so wanting and helpless. I want to call you, but I know what you’ll say. So I better not. I don’t know. I feel confused.
All I know is that I love, need, and miss you.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Blogroll, Happiness, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, body, esmeralda, great, i should be lost without you, jon, jonathan d beale, journeys, Love, love poems, soul, the end, the end of her journey, words, words that we love
Most picture the end as something that must come,
something sad and anxious,
something that souls don’t wish to come into contact with.
But for her it was completely the opposite.
The end was what she sought for most of the time,
and it was finally here.
The end of her journey was called Jon.
He was a brawny guy with cerulean eyes, as artists would say.
He had a tough character that would only melt at the sight of her,
with the biggest heart a man could carry.
And he entered her life by coincidence,
just happened to pass by.
But the passerby turned out to be the end,
and the end brought a lot of love and compassion.
And all of a sudden she was overwhelmed with feelings of fear and joy.
She was scared he would leave,
but she was too happy for having found the one.
And now he stood before her,
smiling away,
gazing deep inside the pools in her eyes,
waiting.
And as she stood right in front of him,
and as the static electricity pleaded for her to touch his body,
she immediately blurted out these words:
I should be lost without you
And with this, his smile faded,
and his eyes grew wide and full of joy,
speaking the many wonders his lips wouldn’t let him.
And so her lips parted wide, smiling away the smile she never thought she could,
holding onto his face gently,
caressing his soul,
and letting their lips engage into a wondrous occurrence.
For the first time the end had proved to be a great thing.
And for the first time the end turned out to be just the beginning.
Filed under: Blogroll, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, cerulean eyes, esmeralda, forever, hope, i love you, i miss you, jon, jonathan d beale, Love, love poems, my forever, today, true love, words
Today I saw myself without you.
Today I pictured a life lacking you.
No forever,
no love,
no cerulean eyes,
no brawny figure,
no tough character,
no amazing feeling,
no fair decisions.
And truth be told:
I didn’t like it.
I’m sorry. I am.
But it’s not possible anymore.
My heart and soul got used to you,
and thinking of you not being there in my near future,
trying to fathom that you won’t be a part of it all…
It just isn’t possible.
I’m not strong enough to let you go.
I’m not strong enough to even imagine your presence disappearing from beside me.
I don’t think you know the magnitude anymore;
don’t think you’re able to decode it.
you are my forever
That’s all I can say.
Now all I can do is hope…
Hope that through those beautiful, blue-sky eyes you’re able to grasp the fact that my love for you is too strong, and that I’ll never let go…
I’ll always be there, even after life itself ceases away.
I’ll be there for every high and low,
every good and bad,
every tear,
every smile,
every pain,
every sorrow,
every joy,
and every love.
I’ll always be there, if you allow it.
Because I want you to be my Jon.
Because I want to live the life and love I know we’re capable of.
Because it’s you, my Jon, it’s you.
I miss you.
Filed under: Blogroll, Happiness, Life, Love, Moments, Realness | Tags: blog, deep eyes, esmeralda, Happiness, her, him, i love you, inspiration, j, kisses, Life, loss, Love, Moments, never will forget, soft skin, surprised me, truly felt infinite, words
I will never be able to forget those eyes, those deep, soft, and blue eyes, and that night when they pierced right through me. They definitely caught me off guard. I was just trying to spot you, just know where you were, but you had already spotted me. And as I turned around, there you were, sitting a few feet away from me, with your elbows stationed on your knees, with a cigarette between your delicate fingers, and a cruel, intensified look in your eyes, as their gaze pierced right into my soul. And I will never deny that I loved every second of it.
I will also never be able to forget that moment, that moment in which we finally gave in, and your gracious body sat next to mine under the lightly pouring rain, and I was able to softly caress your eyes, and your velvety, milky skin, and those luscious, red lips I was dying to kiss. And all the time while I was faintly trying to caress your soul, your wondrous eyes were gaping at me, completely vulnerable. I knew I could have, if I wanted to. Yet I never would have taken advantage of you. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know, my sweet Savior.
One of the last things, among many others I have yet to say, that I will never be able to forget, was that moment in which both of our dissipated figures stood right in front of the other, and then I softly whispered into the air for you to take a hold of my hands, and you did so, without thinking it twice. And then we were there, looking at each other’s eyes, stuck in time. And then I risked it all by just saying the words I’ll always mean, “I love you”. And you genuinely surprised me by answering back the words I’ll never forget you said, “I love you too”. And I knew you meant them, because your fragile eyes would never lie to me. And in that moment, in that exact moment, I truly felt infinite.
These are the things I will never be able to forget.
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Life, Love, Sad, Thoughts | Tags: birthday, blog, blue, esmeralda, her, june, letter, Life, Love, wishes
Today is 10 June 2009. It’s actually that day in the year where I get a little bit older, but just a little bit. It’s depressing though, knowing I’m growing old, and nowhere near what I want. I have so many wishes for this year to come. I want love, and him (even though maybe it’s too much to ask). I want to be happy, and make some progress in my writing, and find a happy medium with everything. And well, someone to believe in me as much as I don’t believe in myself. That is exactly what I need. But I never really get exactly what I need, especially not what I want, so it’s just a waste of time wishing and wanting. In the end I’ll just have nothing in return.
It hurts, because he terminated his relationship. At least that’s what the source told me. The source also told me that the first person he told was P. Still, she said I shouldn’t start assuming anything because truth is, the source only knows so much. Besides, he’s still in that weird place where he’s just confused and knows nothing at all. So…. Yeah. I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I just can’t stand. Sometimes I just feel completely out of control, and I’m reaching and reaching, but things are just slipping away on their own, and I have no power over anything. I have no rule over myself. I’m just a dead on body roaming around, and trying to seek for a soul to make it alive again. It’s true what he said later on, about me not being real. He said the right thing for all the wrong reasons. But of course, it’s understood, even if I know you don’t really comprehend.
Filed under: Blogroll, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: 2009, blog, esmeralda, friends, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, june, letter, Life, loneliness, lost, Love, ocean, PS, the beach, world
Today is 8 June 2009, and we’re all together, for the first time in a long time, at the beach. I spent the day with her, the girl I usually grow apart from. It was nice, but it wasn’t as nice as I’d want it to be. We spoke about him. We spoke about my He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and truth is, it was okay. It hurt, and I wanted to cry, because she was saying things that were happening to her that were actually happening to me too. And that just made me realize many things that aren’t as great. Right at this point, there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no deep, ocean blue eyes to look at, no future to foresee, and no desires to fulfill. There’s just nothing. And to tell you the truth, that’s just sad, and pathetic. It’s basically my life story. I always have something great and grand on my hand, carefully laying on the palm of my hand. I have it there, with me, and I’m so happy. But I have to close my hand somewhat, so it doesn’t escape. Still, I can’t close it too tight because then I’ll crush it. So then I open my hand at times, to take a good look at it, and admire its true beauty. And every time I do, my heart just lights up, and I feel like I can fly, and like I can do anything I’d want to do, because it gives me amazing and unimaginable powers. But then, as I’m admiring, it breaks away from my grip, and I lose it. Unfortunately, I can never get stuff back, but… Again, that’s just the way my life is. It’s a big cycle that ends when I finally lose the thing I love the most, just the way I lost my Mister Person. But he’s happy, and he’ll forget everything that happened, even though I made him promise me he wouldn’t. Maybe he won’t. But…
I found out something today, as she was talking. She said she doesn’t know how people will remember her. She says she doesn’t even think they will. But I know they will, and if they don’t, then they weren’t supposed to. But she doesn’t know that. She does, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She’s like him in a way. I told her so… But what I finally learned is that I found my passion, something she hasn’t yet, and wants to find. I’m actually glad I’ve found it. I am. But what does it mean? Words are just words. That’s what they are. They don’t mean anything, and they don’t make anyone any way. My words don’t mean shit. They are just… things I tend to feel, everyday, and things I need to write, because it’s the only way I’ll be able to express myself, and tell the people I feel things for just how I feel, even though I never actually get to tell them. But that’s all. I wish people could see my words for what they truly are. I wish people could see that my words are me, and that they’re feelings, and emotions, and fears, and wants, and desires. I want people to see that my words are real, and that they have a voice of their own, or at least I want them to. And…
I wish I finally met a guy close to what he ever was for me. I wish I could meet him, and for him to understand me the way no one has ever understood me. That was actually one of the reasons why it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be, our conversation. I wanted to say things, and I wanted her to believe me because she believes me. I still haven’t met that person who blindly believes in me. And it just hurt when she said that other girl could have been the girl able to save him. She mentioned all these qualities she is supposed to have, and I know I have it all. But I can’t tell her that it could be me, because she would so say that I’m not, and that I just need to forget about him, completely. But I don’t think that way, which is why I have to lie to everyone about him, because it’s the only way that I can finally get along with people. Now that I’ve said I’ll forget about him, people are actually feeling less… You know; all that weird stuff that they were saying. And well, that just makes their life better, and maybe now mine will get a bit better as well. All I want to do right now is just leave and finally get away and maybe find my true calling, which most likely be something having to do with words, and writing.
PS. We were also talking about the things that she wants. I didn’t tell her mine, but I just NEED someone to finally understand me, and believe me because they know that I wouldn’t lie about certain things, and that I just am not the way they all picture me.
