Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts | Tags: Love, words, Happiness, blogs, jonathan d beale, period, only one
There’s only one thing I want out of life,
and that is YOU.
You and your outstanding physique.
You and your underrated psyche.
Just you…
Because,
even if you don’t think so,
you are amazing.
You’re not just a man…
You’re love.
You’re sweetness.
You’re passion.
You’re strength.
You’re compassion.
You’re boldness and chivalry.
You are even the color cerulean.
But most importantly,
you are my forever.
You are my smiles,
my tears,
my laughter,
my pain,
my joy,
my breathlessness,
my desire,
my passion,
my life…
You’re even that brightly lit moon that night to night accompanies that lonely star,
which is I.
I was alone and stripped from any kind of love for an eternity and seven months…
But then you appeared,
a superhero hidden under that natural brawny figure,
sweeping me off my feet into a better world.
And now you have me completely hypnotized with those loving cerulean eyes that make me melt any time I even dare to think about them touching my skin with their gaze.
Yet every time I do,
it’s all I desire.
“Strip me naked with your inhuman eyes and make love to me,” I shout within my heart, every time.
Like you once confessed,
I don’t know how I went this long without you.
I don’t even know why I claimed wonderful things about past lovers.
I didn’t know anything about anything until you arrived.
I used to have walls,
but you tore them apart.
And now there’s just you and me in the middle of all the dust and broken pieces,
embracing each other…
Loving each other.
I guess what I’m trying to say in shorter words is that I love you,
more than anything…
more than anyone.
And that I am more than honored to fulfill the role of your angel on earth for an eternity of forevers.
Jon,
What I’m trying to say is that
YOU’RE THE ONE.
Period.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Innocence, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: Life, Love, words, Happiness, blogs, true love, jon, jonathan d beale, cerulean, love words
My words have never served for much.
They’re not artistic.
They don’t even sound as such.
They don’t save lives,
and they don’t pay for my independence.
Mainly they’re just a bunch of letters put together, periods, and commas put together for my entertainment.
… Until the day when I found the source of all art,
the source that filled me up with all these magnificent new feelings and experiences,
ones I’ve never been able to experience due to my limited-pass in life.
It greeted me with extremely simple yet astonishing words that opened new doors to wondrous worlds full of exciting adventures.
It smiled a smile that blinded my eyes,
filling me up with a light that radiated from its whole being,
and an emotion stronger than life itself.
The light didn’t hurt.
The light didn’t kill.
The light healed.
And it was better than the rich sight our eyes provided daily.
“Oh! With this light as my source of life, let me be blind forever!” I happily announced.
Yet that was when it gifted my sight back, showing me the vast, cerulean-colored sea.
Oh! What a sight!
Better than all the painted masterpieces sold.
Better than the poetic narratives that most preached about.
And seconds later,
without noticing,
I was swimming in the bluest, most staggering, sea.
And I was filled with such peace and bliss,
that my worries began to softly melt away,
not caring about the fact that I wasn’t gifted with the skill of swimming…
Not caring if I would drown and die in this ravishing ocean,
where my body would either float on or drown in for all eternity.
I didn’t care!
… For I was feeling a connection with it that was just too unbearably remarkable.
Something that I couldn’t explain,
for no words would be enough…
No words could do it justice.
And even if there were the one word that would describe it perfectly,
no one would comprehend the gravity of this fondness,
for this feeling has yet to be felt by the rest of human kind.
But then the water started to drain away.
And I was left in a place filled with nothingness,
with a presence that not only embraced my soul,
but that now embraced my figure.
What felt like its arms pulled me in gently,
and as they did,
I could make out a brawny figure.
And as I caught my breath,
I sucked in the most delightful smell emanating from its form.
I could feel its arms resting on the small of my back as I listened to the symphony of his breaths.
I then let my head rest on this being’s chest,
and as I did,
a man was revealed out of thin air,
hugging me tightly,
his face buried in my hair.
He was white as milk,
but with a light touch of caramel.
His eyes were cerulean.
His hair was dirty blonde.
His figure was muscular, powerful, and grand!
And so breathtaking.
He was perfect…
Like a Greek God.
Everything about him had an air of mystery and a sense of complexity.
But in her head,
all she could perceive was the fact that he was just an angel gifted from above.
Her newfound inspiration.
A true miracle.
Her miracle!
One she would keep forever even if keeping him forever meant writing about him to the world daily.
She would do it…
All for him…
For she not only just discovered the beauty and inspiration she’d never had.
She had discovered something bigger…
BETTER!
… Love.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Confusion, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Madness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, realizations
I don’t know what anything means anymore. I have lost any kind or type of sense I had about the world or its belongings. I don’t know what love is, or what it means to be in love. I don’t know what life is, or what it means to live. I’m just going day by day, living on impulses and instincts. But he says that instincts shouldn’t be trusted, because they can mislead us to places or ideas full of non-controlling madness and loss. And I agree. Right now I’m in this overlapping place, where all these emotions are taking a hold of my body, as if demons possessing me. And they’re so many, I don’t know which one to go by indefinitely.
There’s him, and the fact that I must move on and forget about him. Yet the love is so strong, and for some odd reason, every time I try for the slightest to just forget, I actually feel quite guilty, as if I was cheating on him. And it is odd. It truly is odd, for we are not together, and we never will be, because he’s fallen in love our friend, and he can’t manage to forget her. And that’s just another extremely eccentric fact, that him and I are both in the same exact position. Still, I have to hold it in, because he needs a goddamn friend. And I try… But there’s nothing that could get to him. Nothing that I know of anyways.
Aside from that, there’s the other him, Jon. He’s amazing, and he’s the guy I’m honestly, hands down, willing to give my heart to. But this is my life, and my life has to provide all sorts of barriers, because I obviously can’t be entirely happy. So to honor this fact, there’s this girl, and she’s with him, and I fear her presence next to him. I know she wants him. It’s kind of obvious, aside from the fact that I know girls because I am one. But it’s just the way she’s always craving for his attention, and the way she teases his acquaintances so he can get completely envious and just want her. I’m actually aware of the fact that he has feelings for her, even though he loves me. Yes, he loves me, or as so he says. Today I actually told him that it’s either her or me. He broke down, told me why he’s with her, which I sort of already knew, and told me that he’s choosing me. I was happy, of course. But it just wasn’t enough. Truth is, I love you just isn’t enough when you know the man you love has feelings for another girl. So I told him to drill these words into the tissues of his brain: Actions speak louder than words. He said he’ll never forget, and I hope he doesn’t, because I think he just stole it… That thing in the middle of my chest that pumps blood around my body. I believe he did. Still, there are times when I don’t know whether to believe him or not. So all I do is fear for my soul…
Adding to the list, there’s them. And them not being able to understand, and my fear of them telling me things I just don’t wish to listen to. This is why I don’t tell them my real losses, because I just don’t want to listen to their cold, dead words trickle down my body, making me shiver. I don’t want to just sit there and take it in, because I want to be a good friend, and I don’t want to fight them off when they’re saying something “enlightening”. This is why I’ve been so gloomy lately. I haven’t been able to express myself, and since my words are never read, then writing doesn’t appease me to its fullest.
Last, but never least, is the consequence of all of these facts. I am lost; that is the outcome. I am lost inside my own head, trying to find myself once again. And there’s no map, no particular directions. It’s just an empty dirt-road, leading to nowhere. And all this looking and trying to find out things, has made me mentally and physically exhausted, too lonely, and tired. But my soul is just tired of being tired… So it doesn’t even know it’s actual state of being.
I just want to cease existence, and disappear into the nothingness for a while.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: blog, dear world, esmeralda, find out, Letters, Life, Love, promise
You know, it turned out she didn’t really understand me. She was just being a friend, and friends listen to you even when they don’t understand. Good friends listen and shut up, because even though they know everything is fucked up, they know you don’t want to hear that. Good friends know that all you need is to vent, and that’s what she did. She was just being a good friend. But like everything in this world, things don’t last. I wish they did though… I wish spring lasted longer. I wish my words would too, and their impact. I wish his touch would stay printed on my body for a longer time. And I wish his words would stay stuck on me. And I actually wish that the alcohol would have stayed inside my system for a longer time. I liked it. I liked feeling free and feeling no shame whatsoever. I liked not effing caring what they think. And most of all, I liked telling him exactly how I feel.
World, today I found out one thing: they will NEVER understand. And because of this, I will never speak of him to them. The subject of his being will never come up. And if they ever do speak of him, I’ll just shun it out. I’ll say I don’t want or need to talk about it. I’ll say anything they wish to hear. But truth is, he’ll be there, in my mind, and in my heart, and in my soul. And to help with the therapy, I’ll talk to you about it. Thing is, now all I want to look forward to is leaving. I don’t think I’m coming back, and I feel terrible because it’s going to be hard to explain it to my parents and my family. It’s going to be hard not to come back. I really don’t want to come back.
From now on, world, you’re going to be my person. You’re going to know all my secrets, and know the things I really feel. I’ll try not to hide everything. I’ll try not to conceal any of my emotions or experiences. I promise I won’t.
Sincerely yours, esmeralda
Filed under: Blogroll, Dreams, Enlightenment, Happiness, Love, Poetry, Purity, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, dream within a dream, Dreams, Enlightenment, esmeralda, j, Life, Love, poems, Poetry, Purity, souls
It was a dream within a dream,
that’s exactly how it was.
And in that dream, life found their souls temporarily inhabiting in the exact same place, at the exact same time, withing the exact same context.
And as they woke up, their very souls found themselves trapped inside that dream.
They wandered, both dressed in the purest white, walking each one by themselves, each one filled with a sense of lonesomeness, around this unknown land full of darkness and insecurity,
finding themselves back to back at the middle of the trajectory.
As they slowly turn around, to try to discover the other’s identity, their hearts start to race, and their pulses grow thick, and their insecurity expands to the edges of the universe.
But then, out of the nothingness that came from within the place they were merely standing on, their hands felt the sudden need to touch, feeling the warmth that exhaled from each other.
Then a sense of touch filled their bodies, but he reacted first, softly caressing her fingers.
And then it came to his soul, the knowledge of knowing her, and the fact that he’s grazed those fingers before.
So he took her whole hand into his, caressing it tenderly, trying to decipher her softness, her delicateness… her.
And as he tried, her heart ran faster, because now she too recognized that feel, and the fingers that led it.
Still, she let his hands wander around hers, because somewhere inside her being , something was telling her that maybe it could be him.
And it felt like it was.
It was the way his fingers communicated with hers, and the way they knew where to go, and where to meet hers.
And then it was the mere fact that he softly signaled the words, “I Love You” onto her hand, something only he knew how.
With this realization, her heart stopped.
It literally stopped.
Yet she didn’t fade away, for she wasn’t really around the surroundings of reality to be able to do such thing.
Then her hand started to grow cold, and he realized it was her.
So he turned around, with a grin on his face, still gripping her hand, as a sudden impact of brightness shocked that dream.
And the whole place, whichever or whatever it was, was filled with light.
Not the bright, eye-hurting light, but the bright and soft light that oozes ones heart and drowns ones sorrows.
“Such purity meets in such obscurity,” whispers the dream, having carefully watched everything from his surroundings.
Filed under: Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Life, Love, Missing, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, esmeralda, Life, Love, realizations, the guy, the kisses, the real thing, the things i'm missing, things, Thoughts, weirdness, what i want, words
I want many things. Some are difficult to acquire, yet some are as easy as buying lollipops at a candy store. But that’s not the case. I want love. A year without it is hard. It has been hard ever since Valentine’s Day last year. I’ve tried, looking for a guy here. But seriously, it’s just a waste of time. I’m leaving in August, so what I would really have to look for is a fling. However, I don’t want just a fling. I want the real deal.
I want a guy. Yes, some may say it’s hard to understand how a girl like me hasn’t won any hearts. Still, for me it’s not hard to comprehend. It’s pretty simple actually. I may be beautiful, and sexy, and smart, and funny. I may even be understanding. But it’s not enough, because when I tell guys I like them, they always have to make something up. There’s always an impediment.
I want a guy that can like me because I’m me. I need a guy that won’t care about the obstacles, or the things life throws at us. He should only care about us, and the fact that we both like each other, and that is what makes us happy. Also, that we can and will get past the limitations we find in our way. I don’t want him to get scared away by some simple threats. If he does, then it means he’s just not worth it.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Realness, Thoughts, advice, realizations | Tags: advice, blogs, Confusion, esmeralda, he, Life, Love, online dating, reality, realizations, words
When people have blogs, they’re usually filled with narratives of their everyday life. Or simply filled with jokes, or stories, or things you’d want to share with people in general. One rarely sees, or comes across, a blog filled with poems and stories written by the person owning the blog, but it does happen. In my case, it does happen.
However, it’s nice to let the people reading your blog have a sneak peek at your life, or what is of your life at the moment, which is why I’m writing today.
I’m always going to TS, and a while ago I met this guy. I’m not going to tell you his name, but let’s call him Jake. Point is, I added him on Facebook, or he added me. I don’t remember who did what, but we just started talking right away. He was a nice guy, very buff, and funny. He was just nice to talk to. Yet we would rarely talk, for I wasn’t keeping tabs on him until the other day, when I saw him on Facebook, and I spoke to him, because I was bored. Yes, I was bored and that’s why I spoke to him. However, after a while I just wanted to talk to him. It’s like I was looking at him with a new set of eyes. He just called my attention, and so I asked for his messenger so we could talk over there.
After that day we’ve been chatting on messenger. And I was very bold enough to tell him we should have a challenge. I told him we both had to pick two people and make them fall in love with us. The first one who’d achieve that would win. And well, we chose each other, and then we decided on dating. I don’t know if it’s real dating or just online dating, which just isn’t as serious as the real thing. He tells me he likes me, and I tell him I like him. I know I’m not lying, but then I don’t know if he is.
So it’s very confusing. Online dating isn’t as awesome as some would think. You can’t see the person, much less know how they really feel, and what’s actually going through their mind every time they tell you something. You don’t even know what’s going on in their lives. And if they do, there’s a 51% chance that may be truer than the feelings they say they have for you.
It just is how it is.
