Filed under: Confusion, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Madness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, realizations
I don’t know what anything means anymore. I have lost any kind or type of sense I had about the world or its belongings. I don’t know what love is, or what it means to be in love. I don’t know what life is, or what it means to live. I’m just going day by day, living on impulses and instincts. But he says that instincts shouldn’t be trusted, because they can mislead us to places or ideas full of non-controlling madness and loss. And I agree. Right now I’m in this overlapping place, where all these emotions are taking a hold of my body, as if demons possessing me. And they’re so many, I don’t know which one to go by indefinitely.
There’s him, and the fact that I must move on and forget about him. Yet the love is so strong, and for some odd reason, every time I try for the slightest to just forget, I actually feel quite guilty, as if I was cheating on him. And it is odd. It truly is odd, for we are not together, and we never will be, because he’s fallen in love our friend, and he can’t manage to forget her. And that’s just another extremely eccentric fact, that him and I are both in the same exact position. Still, I have to hold it in, because he needs a goddamn friend. And I try… But there’s nothing that could get to him. Nothing that I know of anyways.
Aside from that, there’s the other him, Jon. He’s amazing, and he’s the guy I’m honestly, hands down, willing to give my heart to. But this is my life, and my life has to provide all sorts of barriers, because I obviously can’t be entirely happy. So to honor this fact, there’s this girl, and she’s with him, and I fear her presence next to him. I know she wants him. It’s kind of obvious, aside from the fact that I know girls because I am one. But it’s just the way she’s always craving for his attention, and the way she teases his acquaintances so he can get completely envious and just want her. I’m actually aware of the fact that he has feelings for her, even though he loves me. Yes, he loves me, or as so he says. Today I actually told him that it’s either her or me. He broke down, told me why he’s with her, which I sort of already knew, and told me that he’s choosing me. I was happy, of course. But it just wasn’t enough. Truth is, I love you just isn’t enough when you know the man you love has feelings for another girl. So I told him to drill these words into the tissues of his brain: Actions speak louder than words. He said he’ll never forget, and I hope he doesn’t, because I think he just stole it… That thing in the middle of my chest that pumps blood around my body. I believe he did. Still, there are times when I don’t know whether to believe him or not. So all I do is fear for my soul…
Adding to the list, there’s them. And them not being able to understand, and my fear of them telling me things I just don’t wish to listen to. This is why I don’t tell them my real losses, because I just don’t want to listen to their cold, dead words trickle down my body, making me shiver. I don’t want to just sit there and take it in, because I want to be a good friend, and I don’t want to fight them off when they’re saying something “enlightening”. This is why I’ve been so gloomy lately. I haven’t been able to express myself, and since my words are never read, then writing doesn’t appease me to its fullest.
Last, but never least, is the consequence of all of these facts. I am lost; that is the outcome. I am lost inside my own head, trying to find myself once again. And there’s no map, no particular directions. It’s just an empty dirt-road, leading to nowhere. And all this looking and trying to find out things, has made me mentally and physically exhausted, too lonely, and tired. But my soul is just tired of being tired… So it doesn’t even know it’s actual state of being.
I just want to cease existence, and disappear into the nothingness for a while.
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Life, Love, Realness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, weirdness | Tags: blog, dear world, esmeralda, friends, hope, j, letter, Life, Love, Madness, real, sadness, things going wrong, weirdness
Hello. How are you? I’m guessing you’re okay; and if you are, I’m happy for you. I needed to write to you, because lately there’s no one I can write to. Besides, most of my relationships have become dull and uninviting. So… surpassed maybe? I don’t know. Truth is, I wrote him a letter. But as expected, he never said a word about it. And now he’s moving along, like he said I was, so I should be happy for him. And soon he’ll be here, and I’ll have to look at him, and I’m dreading that moment with all my might. Yet I want that moment to come fast, very fast, because then I’ll finally know what my feelings towards him are. But anyways, everything has been weird lately. I’m graduating… It’s a big deal. You know, it was only a few years ago when I thought this would never end. And here I am, sitting before my desk, typing away, only a few days until graduation. It’s a great feeling, knowing that I’ll move on and that I’m finally going to be independent, and maybe pursue my dreams. But then again, it’s one of the most dreadful feelings ever. I won’t see my friends everyday anymore, nor my family. Everything will be different, everything will change. And truth is, I was never good with changes. Still am not, but I have to cope with most, especially my own change. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years. I’m glad though, because now I’m a better person, not so depressed as I used to be. But still, changes are weird. Changes mean that most of the things have changed, and people have changed. And changes mean you have to miss things, things that are gone. I hate missing. I really do hate missing. Right now I’m in this stage in my life where I’m missing most of my past. I’m missing him, a lot, and I’m missing her, and I’m missing everything about the past, including my past self. Yet I regret nothing, nothing at all. I’ve loved each and every moment of my life, because every moment has provided me with some sort of bliss that I’ll never be able to explain. My past has showed me love, real love. And my past has provided me with such a great and powerful friendship. It has even changed the way I see life, and the way I picture my family, and the way I picture myself.
Today wasn’t a very nice day. Her and I didn’t speak, even after our “pact”, the one we always seem to do, and always promise each other we won’t break. Still, something always happens, and we always manage to break it. And then there’s him, and the fact that he follows me everywhere. But by now I should be accustomed to this. By now I should know that there will always be a him in the middle, always. Anyways, his sister and her friends were talking about him, and of course, I was there. So I had to listen to them chit chat about how excited they are because he’s coming too soon. Why is it that I always have to be present when people speak his name? And why is it that I have to cringe every time I listen to his name? I don’t get it. I should be over it. I don’t want to be Penelope. I don’t want to be her. And truth is, I don’t think I’m her. Because she never gave another guy a chance. I would! I would! But there’s no guy to give chances to. So… Why does everyone keep saying I’m her? Why can’t people just try to understand things from my point of view? All of them, they just think I’m obsessed, or tied up to a feeling that I’ve created in my head, or just a feeling from the past, one I just can’t block because I’ve drowned my heart so deep into it, that it’s impossible for me to ever forget it, to ever forget him. But I can, if I would want to. I just… I DON’T KNOW. There are times when I talk to them, and at that moment I’m convinced that I don’t love him, that maybe I AM Penelope, and that I should just wait and see. But then I’m alone, and I start to think about him, and I start to miss him, and I start to get nervous, because I just don’t want to miss him, at all. I mean, I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t really care about me. He has someone! He’s giving someone a chance! So why can’t I just effing drill that into my effing mind? I don’t get it. I just… I don’t know what it is my mind wants me to feel. I don’t know anything… And now I just feel like she’s hiding out, away from me. And if that’s true, then something is definitely going wrong, and she doesn’t want to tell me. Gosh! I just hate it when people hide stuff from me, and they think they’re just trying to protect me, but they’re not. I really wish I could read minds. It would be so much easier. I would know what people are actually thinking, at all times, and I wouldn’t be able to be lied to, nor would I be able to drown myself into some sort of silly illusion, like is love, or the hopes of it.
I just want to know that something is real. I just wish to have something that is mine, and something that I can have with me, and no one can ever tell me it’s not mine. I just want to be happy, and experience the real joys of love and life.
Sincerely yours, esmeralda
Filed under: Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, friends, realizations | Tags: esmeralda, friends, Life, Love, online love, poems, Poetry, steven, things that just happen, words
She came up to him slowly,
Taking his hands into hers,
Easing his troubles away.
Visions of harmony suddenly started to creep up into his mind,
Eating away at the hurtful memories he had encountered in the past.
Nothing stood in his mind, except for the silhouette of this mysterious girl that had helped him let go.
