Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Life, Love, Sad, Thoughts | Tags: birthday, blog, blue, esmeralda, her, june, letter, Life, Love, wishes
Today is 10 June 2009. It’s actually that day in the year where I get a little bit older, but just a little bit. It’s depressing though, knowing I’m growing old, and nowhere near what I want. I have so many wishes for this year to come. I want love, and him (even though maybe it’s too much to ask). I want to be happy, and make some progress in my writing, and find a happy medium with everything. And well, someone to believe in me as much as I don’t believe in myself. That is exactly what I need. But I never really get exactly what I need, especially not what I want, so it’s just a waste of time wishing and wanting. In the end I’ll just have nothing in return.
It hurts, because he terminated his relationship. At least that’s what the source told me. The source also told me that the first person he told was P. Still, she said I shouldn’t start assuming anything because truth is, the source only knows so much. Besides, he’s still in that weird place where he’s just confused and knows nothing at all. So…. Yeah. I don’t know. I sometimes feel like I just can’t stand. Sometimes I just feel completely out of control, and I’m reaching and reaching, but things are just slipping away on their own, and I have no power over anything. I have no rule over myself. I’m just a dead on body roaming around, and trying to seek for a soul to make it alive again. It’s true what he said later on, about me not being real. He said the right thing for all the wrong reasons. But of course, it’s understood, even if I know you don’t really comprehend.
Filed under: Blogroll, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: 2009, blog, esmeralda, friends, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, june, letter, Life, loneliness, lost, Love, ocean, PS, the beach, world
Today is 8 June 2009, and we’re all together, for the first time in a long time, at the beach. I spent the day with her, the girl I usually grow apart from. It was nice, but it wasn’t as nice as I’d want it to be. We spoke about him. We spoke about my He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and truth is, it was okay. It hurt, and I wanted to cry, because she was saying things that were happening to her that were actually happening to me too. And that just made me realize many things that aren’t as great. Right at this point, there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no deep, ocean blue eyes to look at, no future to foresee, and no desires to fulfill. There’s just nothing. And to tell you the truth, that’s just sad, and pathetic. It’s basically my life story. I always have something great and grand on my hand, carefully laying on the palm of my hand. I have it there, with me, and I’m so happy. But I have to close my hand somewhat, so it doesn’t escape. Still, I can’t close it too tight because then I’ll crush it. So then I open my hand at times, to take a good look at it, and admire its true beauty. And every time I do, my heart just lights up, and I feel like I can fly, and like I can do anything I’d want to do, because it gives me amazing and unimaginable powers. But then, as I’m admiring, it breaks away from my grip, and I lose it. Unfortunately, I can never get stuff back, but… Again, that’s just the way my life is. It’s a big cycle that ends when I finally lose the thing I love the most, just the way I lost my Mister Person. But he’s happy, and he’ll forget everything that happened, even though I made him promise me he wouldn’t. Maybe he won’t. But…
I found out something today, as she was talking. She said she doesn’t know how people will remember her. She says she doesn’t even think they will. But I know they will, and if they don’t, then they weren’t supposed to. But she doesn’t know that. She does, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She’s like him in a way. I told her so… But what I finally learned is that I found my passion, something she hasn’t yet, and wants to find. I’m actually glad I’ve found it. I am. But what does it mean? Words are just words. That’s what they are. They don’t mean anything, and they don’t make anyone any way. My words don’t mean shit. They are just… things I tend to feel, everyday, and things I need to write, because it’s the only way I’ll be able to express myself, and tell the people I feel things for just how I feel, even though I never actually get to tell them. But that’s all. I wish people could see my words for what they truly are. I wish people could see that my words are me, and that they’re feelings, and emotions, and fears, and wants, and desires. I want people to see that my words are real, and that they have a voice of their own, or at least I want them to. And…
I wish I finally met a guy close to what he ever was for me. I wish I could meet him, and for him to understand me the way no one has ever understood me. That was actually one of the reasons why it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be, our conversation. I wanted to say things, and I wanted her to believe me because she believes me. I still haven’t met that person who blindly believes in me. And it just hurt when she said that other girl could have been the girl able to save him. She mentioned all these qualities she is supposed to have, and I know I have it all. But I can’t tell her that it could be me, because she would so say that I’m not, and that I just need to forget about him, completely. But I don’t think that way, which is why I have to lie to everyone about him, because it’s the only way that I can finally get along with people. Now that I’ve said I’ll forget about him, people are actually feeling less… You know; all that weird stuff that they were saying. And well, that just makes their life better, and maybe now mine will get a bit better as well. All I want to do right now is just leave and finally get away and maybe find my true calling, which most likely be something having to do with words, and writing.
PS. We were also talking about the things that she wants. I didn’t tell her mine, but I just NEED someone to finally understand me, and believe me because they know that I wouldn’t lie about certain things, and that I just am not the way they all picture me.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Letters, Life, Love | Tags: blog, dear world, esmeralda, find out, Letters, Life, Love, promise
You know, it turned out she didn’t really understand me. She was just being a friend, and friends listen to you even when they don’t understand. Good friends listen and shut up, because even though they know everything is fucked up, they know you don’t want to hear that. Good friends know that all you need is to vent, and that’s what she did. She was just being a good friend. But like everything in this world, things don’t last. I wish they did though… I wish spring lasted longer. I wish my words would too, and their impact. I wish his touch would stay printed on my body for a longer time. And I wish his words would stay stuck on me. And I actually wish that the alcohol would have stayed inside my system for a longer time. I liked it. I liked feeling free and feeling no shame whatsoever. I liked not effing caring what they think. And most of all, I liked telling him exactly how I feel.
World, today I found out one thing: they will NEVER understand. And because of this, I will never speak of him to them. The subject of his being will never come up. And if they ever do speak of him, I’ll just shun it out. I’ll say I don’t want or need to talk about it. I’ll say anything they wish to hear. But truth is, he’ll be there, in my mind, and in my heart, and in my soul. And to help with the therapy, I’ll talk to you about it. Thing is, now all I want to look forward to is leaving. I don’t think I’m coming back, and I feel terrible because it’s going to be hard to explain it to my parents and my family. It’s going to be hard not to come back. I really don’t want to come back.
From now on, world, you’re going to be my person. You’re going to know all my secrets, and know the things I really feel. I’ll try not to hide everything. I’ll try not to conceal any of my emotions or experiences. I promise I won’t.
Sincerely yours, esmeralda
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Life, Love, Realness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, weirdness | Tags: blog, dear world, esmeralda, friends, hope, j, letter, Life, Love, Madness, real, sadness, things going wrong, weirdness
Hello. How are you? I’m guessing you’re okay; and if you are, I’m happy for you. I needed to write to you, because lately there’s no one I can write to. Besides, most of my relationships have become dull and uninviting. So… surpassed maybe? I don’t know. Truth is, I wrote him a letter. But as expected, he never said a word about it. And now he’s moving along, like he said I was, so I should be happy for him. And soon he’ll be here, and I’ll have to look at him, and I’m dreading that moment with all my might. Yet I want that moment to come fast, very fast, because then I’ll finally know what my feelings towards him are. But anyways, everything has been weird lately. I’m graduating… It’s a big deal. You know, it was only a few years ago when I thought this would never end. And here I am, sitting before my desk, typing away, only a few days until graduation. It’s a great feeling, knowing that I’ll move on and that I’m finally going to be independent, and maybe pursue my dreams. But then again, it’s one of the most dreadful feelings ever. I won’t see my friends everyday anymore, nor my family. Everything will be different, everything will change. And truth is, I was never good with changes. Still am not, but I have to cope with most, especially my own change. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years. I’m glad though, because now I’m a better person, not so depressed as I used to be. But still, changes are weird. Changes mean that most of the things have changed, and people have changed. And changes mean you have to miss things, things that are gone. I hate missing. I really do hate missing. Right now I’m in this stage in my life where I’m missing most of my past. I’m missing him, a lot, and I’m missing her, and I’m missing everything about the past, including my past self. Yet I regret nothing, nothing at all. I’ve loved each and every moment of my life, because every moment has provided me with some sort of bliss that I’ll never be able to explain. My past has showed me love, real love. And my past has provided me with such a great and powerful friendship. It has even changed the way I see life, and the way I picture my family, and the way I picture myself.
Today wasn’t a very nice day. Her and I didn’t speak, even after our “pact”, the one we always seem to do, and always promise each other we won’t break. Still, something always happens, and we always manage to break it. And then there’s him, and the fact that he follows me everywhere. But by now I should be accustomed to this. By now I should know that there will always be a him in the middle, always. Anyways, his sister and her friends were talking about him, and of course, I was there. So I had to listen to them chit chat about how excited they are because he’s coming too soon. Why is it that I always have to be present when people speak his name? And why is it that I have to cringe every time I listen to his name? I don’t get it. I should be over it. I don’t want to be Penelope. I don’t want to be her. And truth is, I don’t think I’m her. Because she never gave another guy a chance. I would! I would! But there’s no guy to give chances to. So… Why does everyone keep saying I’m her? Why can’t people just try to understand things from my point of view? All of them, they just think I’m obsessed, or tied up to a feeling that I’ve created in my head, or just a feeling from the past, one I just can’t block because I’ve drowned my heart so deep into it, that it’s impossible for me to ever forget it, to ever forget him. But I can, if I would want to. I just… I DON’T KNOW. There are times when I talk to them, and at that moment I’m convinced that I don’t love him, that maybe I AM Penelope, and that I should just wait and see. But then I’m alone, and I start to think about him, and I start to miss him, and I start to get nervous, because I just don’t want to miss him, at all. I mean, I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t really care about me. He has someone! He’s giving someone a chance! So why can’t I just effing drill that into my effing mind? I don’t get it. I just… I don’t know what it is my mind wants me to feel. I don’t know anything… And now I just feel like she’s hiding out, away from me. And if that’s true, then something is definitely going wrong, and she doesn’t want to tell me. Gosh! I just hate it when people hide stuff from me, and they think they’re just trying to protect me, but they’re not. I really wish I could read minds. It would be so much easier. I would know what people are actually thinking, at all times, and I wouldn’t be able to be lied to, nor would I be able to drown myself into some sort of silly illusion, like is love, or the hopes of it.
I just want to know that something is real. I just wish to have something that is mine, and something that I can have with me, and no one can ever tell me it’s not mine. I just want to be happy, and experience the real joys of love and life.
Sincerely yours, esmeralda
Filed under: Blogroll, Confusion, Frustration, Letters, Life, Love, Missing, Realness, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: being stuck, blog, Confusion, esmeralda, feelings, j, Life, Love, missing out, real, serendipity, the truth, Thoughts, words
There’s this feeling that just comes up, out of nowhere, and let’s one know that one’s missing out on one of the greatest feelings and emotions invented by men: love. It’s not only a feeling, it’s also one’s whole surroundings, and the things closest to one, like one’s words, and one’s friends and families, and one’s whole world, that certifies the fact that one is truly missing out. And it gets even sadder when one sees that everyone is moving on, and finding their own calling, as well as finding their own loves. Yet one is just here, or there, stuck in a puddle of quicksand, battling to get out and move on with the rest of them, because all one truly wants is to move on, and find happiness, and pray that the happiness comes with peace and love, lots and lots of love.
Sometimes one’s stuck due to one’s own will, like me. I’m stuck because I’m waiting for him. I’m stuck because I’m trying to be patient, and give him time, even though I don’t know what’s really going on. I believe I should know what’s wrong. I believe I do have the right. After all, I’m the one most affected by all of this. But she doesn’t tell me, and I don’t want to ask. Besides, I don’t know what’ll happen, and if he’s really into all of this. Or if he’s aware of the fact that there is a “this”. Truth is, sometimes I don’t believe he knows that there is a “this”, and that things beyond his thoughts are actually taking place at this exact moment. Sometimes I just believe it’s all in my head, and I’m wasting my time, and my breath, and my soul, loving someone, and waiting for someone that just doesn’t know what he wants, and doesn’t even know if we’ll be together, or if we’ll give us a chance.
Yes, I believe we’re serendipity. It was just so weird how we met out of the blue, and how we clicked instantly, and how all of these great things happened to us, things that brought us closer together. It’s odd how we learned to love each other so fast, and how after it was over, things were still there, and things were said that just intensified the little fire left between us. And it’s truly amazing how she was right. She always said that she thought we were meant to be, and that I should wait. And I did, and then he sought for me, and I thought that my time was finally here. But then things began to get confusing, and here I am, trying to figure things out, and missing out on the greatest feeling because I’m waiting on YOU to notice ME.
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Love, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, esmeralda, it's you, j, Life, Love, sincerely, words
Dear you,
I know what you said, and truth is, I’m not moving along. Yes, life goes on, whether you’re dead or alive; recognized or forgotten. It all goes on. But you must know something; you MUST know this: even though I’m waking up every morning, and going to school, and even though it seems I’m moving along… my life just isn’t the same without you. After you, I lived, and experienced. After you, I grew, and learned, and even managed to like. But after you, there was no love. It’s you, whether unfortunate or grateful.
It’s you…
Filed under: Confusion, Letters, Life, Love, Missing, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, confused, esmeralda, ezequiel, i miss you, inspiration, letter, Life, Love, no regrets, reality, the truth, Thoughts, words, writing
One of the many things that have always been hard for me to pour out like water have been my feelings. I know there are times when I become numb and can’t feel at all, but most of the times I am aware of the things I feel, and who or what I feel them towards. Still, it’s so hard to be able to tell someone exactly how you feel, and why you’re feeling the way you feel. But the hardest part of it all is when they actually read or listen to your thoughts and emotions, and they react.
Some reactions are triggered by impulses, and maybe those reactions are exactly what you would have wanted to happen, or maybe just exactly what you thought would happen. But sometimes they aren’t either. Sometimes those impulses just lead to a very bad experience.
Nonetheless, happiness still fills my pores, for I was able to pour out my soul to the right person; hoping for the best, since hope is the last thing or feeling I could ever manage to lose.
So this is why I’m writing to you today, because I need to say the things I’m feeling. And I believe you’re the right person, because you’re the person I want to write these feelings to right now, at this very moment. I don’t believe that for you to be the right person I have to feel something immensely intense towards you. You just have to be there, in my heart, at the time when I’m feeling what I’m feeling, because that’ll mean you’re the one I’m feeling these things for.
By now I think you’ve gotten the tone of this letter. I went for ‘serious’ instead of ‘silly’ this time. I know it’s not your style, at least not your overall style. But I know you can manage it, at least for the time being.
First and foremost, I missed you. These are very strong words to say, let alone write. Yet I felt I had to say them, because they are true. I missed you before you got here, and I miss you now that you’re here. Ironic, I know. We just haven’t had the best luck in spending time together, and every time we plan something, luck strikes again, and manages to ruin our plans. And then you’ll be gone, and I’ll miss you once again. But when you leave it won’t be so hard. At least it wasn’t before. But before isn’t now, and truth is; now it’ll be hard.
Thing is, I’m attracted to you. Yes, two bombs at once. But I think you kind of already knew this. If you didn’t, then join the club. I found out the other day. At first I thought, “I like him!” But it just couldn’t be. You don’t do the things guys I like do to me. So then I just forgot about the whole issue. But every time we chatted on MSN, that feeling grew stronger. I was able to find out what I felt the day you went to school, and when my heart skipped a beat when I saw you. “I’m attracted to him!” was all I could think.
So there it is. I’m attracted to you. Don’t know which way, or how it happened –kind of. What I do know is that I won’t be able to satisfy the physical hunger I’ve grown towards you. But oh well! At least I got to tell you this.
Yes, I would’ve preferred that our lips meet, at least for a second, or more, but lately my luck has grown unpleasant, which means it would have been asking for too much. There’s always next year, right?
Hope you enjoyed reading this… emotional rollercoaster? Haha! Just know that every word I wrote, I meant; as corny or weird as they may all sound.
Filed under: Happiness, Letters, Life, Love, Moments, Purity, Relief, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: 2009, blog, esmeralda, Happiness, january, Letters, Life, Love, Moments, Purity, Relief, the things i've never been able to say, those special moments, true love, weirdness, words, your eyes
Words are just glorious, whether thought of, spoken, or written. They are just beyond our imagination. And yet we try to reach that level of imagination to produce the words that we feel for a person, or a thing… or just feelings in general. And as these words are written, spoken, or thought of, they fly. These amazing words fly into the sidereal and unleash their magic, falling into the ears and minds of the humans that were meant to know them.
You may be wondering why on earth I’m writing to you. You don’t even know who I am, or if this letter was directed to you, much less know how I write. If you did know, then you would at least have a clue. Yet you don’t. And I’m glad. The only thing you may know is the fact that I chose you to write to. But I guess that’s more than obvious, since you’re already reading this letter. Yes, this letter is odd. More like, “out of the blue”. But there’s always a day in which one wishes to reveal one’s true feelings to a significant other. And when one does, it’s truly gratifying knowing you said what you said. And that what you said was exactly what you meant. And that what you meant was something grand.
Given that the world is getting close to that day in February when the human race goes upside-down due to love, public displays of affection, the color red, and gifts, I thought I’d put some words on paper to show that not only friends and lovers give and receive. But to show that strangers can also make the air smell sweet and love-like to those who receive their mysterious treasures.
Since you know not of me, I just thought I’d write and deliver you these words I wish to preach, as powerful, long, or boring, as they may seem.
It’s hard for me to write to you. Yes, random thought. But it’s quite a difficulty, for I don’t know what you feel, or if you do feel at all. Or what you think of many controversial issues like a black president in the White House, abortion, religion, and love. But I guess I’ll just write what I wish for someone to tell me, and maybe you’ll love it.
I’d love for someone to tell me that he or she loves me. To read those longing words spread out on paper, where all the scribbles and doodles on the corner of each page will say a story of the thoughts that person had right before writing those amazing words. However, to be able to hear or read that from someone, one must have history. And that’s just something we lack. We have history. I believe everyone does, whether the only thing registered on file is a “hello” at seven in the morning while entering school. Still, we don’t have that deep history lovers possess.
So due to this, I will preach softer words, ones you will digest properly.
It’s something about your eyes, and their color. That deep dark color that makes them abundant in depth. There have been times when I’ve gotten lost in them. But then your eyes smiled, letting out a beautiful light that guided me back to shore. You never noticed when I got disoriented. You were always too busy to notice the little things and feelings that went around you. But that’s one of the wrong things I so rightfully like about you, because it means you will never get to know who I am.
Through your eyes I was able to see your soul, and that’s when I put all the puzzle pieces together of the way you are, and why you are such way. It was confusing yet admiring. I was experienced enough to touch your soul now, in those infinitesimal moments when you would let your mind wonder off into space. And those were the moments when I noticed your soul was sweet, genuine yet scared. That to be able to let your true self out, years and decades of friendship would have to pass by first…
And that’s when my wall went up. Because I was trying to get close to you… for you to willingly let me in. But you never did. And so here I am, a stranger letting you know its true sentiments.
Truth is, it’s never too late. You’re imperfect, in many other ways than the ones you may be thinking of right now. Yet there’s someone in the world who’s thinking that all those imperfections just add up to your true perfection, because no one is able to be perfect without little deformities here and there. So try to look for that person that wants to fill in your heart of smiles. Don’t close doors, even if affairs or relationships aren’t what you’re seeking. Give chances, and you’ll receive many treasures, ones you would have never been able to receive with your doors close shut. Live! Experience! That’s what the world’s all about. Live your life so a long time from now you only regret the things you did, and not the things you weren’t able to do, or the feelings you didn’t let yourself feel.
So I believe that’s it. I’ve said what I wish to say. Maybe it’s not what you expected, but at least someone took time off and wrote you something meaningful that maybe no one has.
I hope this letter serves as something, whether it serves as being just a letter, or a counselor, or a revealer, or whatever you may want it to be. Maybe in the future it will serve as something, if not already. Just don’t try to find out who I am. You’ll fail. I can bet you that. You already think I’m someone I’m not. So please don’t try.
And don’t flaunter these words. In my world, they’re considered treasures, and one doesn’t flaunter treasures. You keep them close to your heart, or somewhere similar.
Until so soon.
It’s odd how things may happen, specially that mysterious thing or feeling some call “love”.
