Filed under: Blogroll, Confusion, Frustration, Letters, Life, Love, Missing, Realness, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: being stuck, blog, Confusion, esmeralda, feelings, j, Life, Love, missing out, real, serendipity, the truth, Thoughts, words
There’s this feeling that just comes up, out of nowhere, and let’s one know that one’s missing out on one of the greatest feelings and emotions invented by men: love. It’s not only a feeling, it’s also one’s whole surroundings, and the things closest to one, like one’s words, and one’s friends and families, and one’s whole world, that certifies the fact that one is truly missing out. And it gets even sadder when one sees that everyone is moving on, and finding their own calling, as well as finding their own loves. Yet one is just here, or there, stuck in a puddle of quicksand, battling to get out and move on with the rest of them, because all one truly wants is to move on, and find happiness, and pray that the happiness comes with peace and love, lots and lots of love.
Sometimes one’s stuck due to one’s own will, like me. I’m stuck because I’m waiting for him. I’m stuck because I’m trying to be patient, and give him time, even though I don’t know what’s really going on. I believe I should know what’s wrong. I believe I do have the right. After all, I’m the one most affected by all of this. But she doesn’t tell me, and I don’t want to ask. Besides, I don’t know what’ll happen, and if he’s really into all of this. Or if he’s aware of the fact that there is a “this”. Truth is, sometimes I don’t believe he knows that there is a “this”, and that things beyond his thoughts are actually taking place at this exact moment. Sometimes I just believe it’s all in my head, and I’m wasting my time, and my breath, and my soul, loving someone, and waiting for someone that just doesn’t know what he wants, and doesn’t even know if we’ll be together, or if we’ll give us a chance.
Yes, I believe we’re serendipity. It was just so weird how we met out of the blue, and how we clicked instantly, and how all of these great things happened to us, things that brought us closer together. It’s odd how we learned to love each other so fast, and how after it was over, things were still there, and things were said that just intensified the little fire left between us. And it’s truly amazing how she was right. She always said that she thought we were meant to be, and that I should wait. And I did, and then he sought for me, and I thought that my time was finally here. But then things began to get confusing, and here I am, trying to figure things out, and missing out on the greatest feeling because I’m waiting on YOU to notice ME.
Filed under: Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Life, Love, Missing, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, esmeralda, Life, Love, realizations, the guy, the kisses, the real thing, the things i'm missing, things, Thoughts, weirdness, what i want, words
I want many things. Some are difficult to acquire, yet some are as easy as buying lollipops at a candy store. But that’s not the case. I want love. A year without it is hard. It has been hard ever since Valentine’s Day last year. I’ve tried, looking for a guy here. But seriously, it’s just a waste of time. I’m leaving in August, so what I would really have to look for is a fling. However, I don’t want just a fling. I want the real deal.
I want a guy. Yes, some may say it’s hard to understand how a girl like me hasn’t won any hearts. Still, for me it’s not hard to comprehend. It’s pretty simple actually. I may be beautiful, and sexy, and smart, and funny. I may even be understanding. But it’s not enough, because when I tell guys I like them, they always have to make something up. There’s always an impediment.
I want a guy that can like me because I’m me. I need a guy that won’t care about the obstacles, or the things life throws at us. He should only care about us, and the fact that we both like each other, and that is what makes us happy. Also, that we can and will get past the limitations we find in our way. I don’t want him to get scared away by some simple threats. If he does, then it means he’s just not worth it.
Filed under: Life, Love, Madness, Missing, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Sad, Thoughts | Tags: blog, esmeralda, how much i love you, i hate this, i love you, i miss you, j, Life, Love, Missing, Moments, no love, realizations, sadness, words, yellow taxi, you are my world
You are about to leave…
You have packed all your belongings in your suitcase,
and now you stand on the concrete sidewalk,
waiting for a yellow cab to take you away.
Meanwhile, I stand inside this house,
the one that seconds ago we both called “home”,
beside the main window,
staring straight at you.
Your back now faces me,
as sorrow arrives as my doorstep,
in the yellow taxi your bags are now being inserted to make your departure official.
Yet I won’t open the door until I tell you this:
You were right.
It’s true.
It was my entire fault,
and for this, I blame myself.
Pardon me,
my love,
for saying I Love You too soon.
Pardon me for trying to preach my love faster than you wanted it to be.
Pardon me,
love,
for holding you too tight inside my arms when you sweetly complained about the cold.
Pardon me,
ma vie,
for watching your tears trickle down your soft, warm cheeks when you were in pain.
And for consoling your every sorrow.
Pardon me,
mon amour,
for caring for you when no one else did or could,
and like no one ever does.
Forgive me,
sunshine,
for loving you deeper than any ocean existent on this earth.
I truly blame myself,
amore,
for not having the words that could ever express what I feel about you,
and having to make up words,
because I have the need to at least express the way I feel towards you in some way.
I must blame myself,
truly,
for respecting you more than I have anyone else.
I bravely take the blame,
mademoiselle,
for kissing your pink, subtle lips longer than I should,
longer than you’d let me,
with more passion than the one I could ever handle.
Like a felon,
I accept my sentence for trying to rip my heart out,
tying it up as a present,
and handing it to you when asked something of me.
I ask for your eternal forgiveness,
mon monde,
for trying to prove to you each and every single day,
with acts of affection,
that I’m worth your time and while.
I completely take the blame for literally giving you part of the stars in the sky,
naming the ones I could after you.
And lastly,
I blame myself,
love of my life,
for holding on to you the best I could;
for holding on to what I thought would keep you by my side.
With these words,
I can officially say goodbye to your heart,
letting you go without any resentments.
And as I see you walking away from my life in that yellow cab,
I welcome sorrow into my home,
my new best friend.
Filed under: Confusion, Letters, Life, Love, Missing, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, confused, esmeralda, ezequiel, i miss you, inspiration, letter, Life, Love, no regrets, reality, the truth, Thoughts, words, writing
One of the many things that have always been hard for me to pour out like water have been my feelings. I know there are times when I become numb and can’t feel at all, but most of the times I am aware of the things I feel, and who or what I feel them towards. Still, it’s so hard to be able to tell someone exactly how you feel, and why you’re feeling the way you feel. But the hardest part of it all is when they actually read or listen to your thoughts and emotions, and they react.
Some reactions are triggered by impulses, and maybe those reactions are exactly what you would have wanted to happen, or maybe just exactly what you thought would happen. But sometimes they aren’t either. Sometimes those impulses just lead to a very bad experience.
Nonetheless, happiness still fills my pores, for I was able to pour out my soul to the right person; hoping for the best, since hope is the last thing or feeling I could ever manage to lose.
So this is why I’m writing to you today, because I need to say the things I’m feeling. And I believe you’re the right person, because you’re the person I want to write these feelings to right now, at this very moment. I don’t believe that for you to be the right person I have to feel something immensely intense towards you. You just have to be there, in my heart, at the time when I’m feeling what I’m feeling, because that’ll mean you’re the one I’m feeling these things for.
By now I think you’ve gotten the tone of this letter. I went for ‘serious’ instead of ‘silly’ this time. I know it’s not your style, at least not your overall style. But I know you can manage it, at least for the time being.
First and foremost, I missed you. These are very strong words to say, let alone write. Yet I felt I had to say them, because they are true. I missed you before you got here, and I miss you now that you’re here. Ironic, I know. We just haven’t had the best luck in spending time together, and every time we plan something, luck strikes again, and manages to ruin our plans. And then you’ll be gone, and I’ll miss you once again. But when you leave it won’t be so hard. At least it wasn’t before. But before isn’t now, and truth is; now it’ll be hard.
Thing is, I’m attracted to you. Yes, two bombs at once. But I think you kind of already knew this. If you didn’t, then join the club. I found out the other day. At first I thought, “I like him!” But it just couldn’t be. You don’t do the things guys I like do to me. So then I just forgot about the whole issue. But every time we chatted on MSN, that feeling grew stronger. I was able to find out what I felt the day you went to school, and when my heart skipped a beat when I saw you. “I’m attracted to him!” was all I could think.
So there it is. I’m attracted to you. Don’t know which way, or how it happened –kind of. What I do know is that I won’t be able to satisfy the physical hunger I’ve grown towards you. But oh well! At least I got to tell you this.
Yes, I would’ve preferred that our lips meet, at least for a second, or more, but lately my luck has grown unpleasant, which means it would have been asking for too much. There’s always next year, right?
Hope you enjoyed reading this… emotional rollercoaster? Haha! Just know that every word I wrote, I meant; as corny or weird as they may all sound.
Filed under: Life, Love, Missing, Moments, Poetry, Purity, Thoughts | Tags: blog, esmeralda, i say it's love, it's you, j, Life, Love, paper, pen, poems, Poetry, safe, sitting there, those precious moments, words, you, you're dafe with me
You sit still on the brown-wooden chair,
with your back arched to the front,
a pen in one hand and a journal on the other,
pouring your mind onto the paper.
The view is just beautiful.
I could stay here forever just watching you write,
hoping and praying that I’m the one your written words preach about.
Oh! How I wish I could read your thoughts.
I bet they hold the answer to everyone’s prayers.
I can sell my soul to the fact that you own all human secrets for eternal love,
that love that we all seek and have never had the chance to find.
You sit there,
quiet as an angel,
glowing oh so naturally,
without anybody noticing.
Yet I do.
I notice, because I know your secret.
But don’t worry, greatness.
You’re safe with me.
