Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Innocence, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: Life, Love, words, Happiness, blogs, true love, jon, jonathan d beale, cerulean, love words
My words have never served for much.
They’re not artistic.
They don’t even sound as such.
They don’t save lives,
and they don’t pay for my independence.
Mainly they’re just a bunch of letters put together, periods, and commas put together for my entertainment.
… Until the day when I found the source of all art,
the source that filled me up with all these magnificent new feelings and experiences,
ones I’ve never been able to experience due to my limited-pass in life.
It greeted me with extremely simple yet astonishing words that opened new doors to wondrous worlds full of exciting adventures.
It smiled a smile that blinded my eyes,
filling me up with a light that radiated from its whole being,
and an emotion stronger than life itself.
The light didn’t hurt.
The light didn’t kill.
The light healed.
And it was better than the rich sight our eyes provided daily.
“Oh! With this light as my source of life, let me be blind forever!” I happily announced.
Yet that was when it gifted my sight back, showing me the vast, cerulean-colored sea.
Oh! What a sight!
Better than all the painted masterpieces sold.
Better than the poetic narratives that most preached about.
And seconds later,
without noticing,
I was swimming in the bluest, most staggering, sea.
And I was filled with such peace and bliss,
that my worries began to softly melt away,
not caring about the fact that I wasn’t gifted with the skill of swimming…
Not caring if I would drown and die in this ravishing ocean,
where my body would either float on or drown in for all eternity.
I didn’t care!
… For I was feeling a connection with it that was just too unbearably remarkable.
Something that I couldn’t explain,
for no words would be enough…
No words could do it justice.
And even if there were the one word that would describe it perfectly,
no one would comprehend the gravity of this fondness,
for this feeling has yet to be felt by the rest of human kind.
But then the water started to drain away.
And I was left in a place filled with nothingness,
with a presence that not only embraced my soul,
but that now embraced my figure.
What felt like its arms pulled me in gently,
and as they did,
I could make out a brawny figure.
And as I caught my breath,
I sucked in the most delightful smell emanating from its form.
I could feel its arms resting on the small of my back as I listened to the symphony of his breaths.
I then let my head rest on this being’s chest,
and as I did,
a man was revealed out of thin air,
hugging me tightly,
his face buried in my hair.
He was white as milk,
but with a light touch of caramel.
His eyes were cerulean.
His hair was dirty blonde.
His figure was muscular, powerful, and grand!
And so breathtaking.
He was perfect…
Like a Greek God.
Everything about him had an air of mystery and a sense of complexity.
But in her head,
all she could perceive was the fact that he was just an angel gifted from above.
Her newfound inspiration.
A true miracle.
Her miracle!
One she would keep forever even if keeping him forever meant writing about him to the world daily.
She would do it…
All for him…
For she not only just discovered the beauty and inspiration she’d never had.
She had discovered something bigger…
BETTER!
… Love.
Filed under: Blogroll, Life, Love, Moments, Sad, Secrets, Thoughts, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, i love you, i miss you, i need you, Love, miss, need, words
These days I just wish we could be able to talk so I could tell you a couple of things I’ve been meaning to tell you. For starters, I love you. And I know maybe I say it a lot, but lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. I do. I do love you. And it’s not even the fact that lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. It’s just… I feel like you’re not there enough, so I have to write this in letters and poems and blogs, because I need someone to tell it to. But this isn’t enough.
But it’s all I have at the moment…
So, I love you Jon. I do. You are my forever. And the phrase could be such a cliche, but I don’t think it is. It’s perfect, and it defines us. Because we can do it. Because we’re far more strong than we give ourselves credit. It’s just that we both have a very long time without someone who would love us this way, so we’re a bit desperate. But we have to wait. Not a lot though, but we still have to wait. And we will, because it’ll so be worth it.
And I need you. I do! I need you so much. I need you here, or on the phone, or holding my hand, or looking into my eyes. I don’t really care how it is, but I need you. And I don’t want to accept it because maybe it’ll seem so childish and stupid or whatever, but I do. Many things have been going on, and I’m just trying, but I feel like I can’t take it. I need someone, and I need you Jon.
And lastly, I miss you. I miss your voice, and your sweet words, and your amazing love. I miss it all. I miss your eyes, and your smile, and your witty comments. And I love the way you lose yourself just thinking about me. It makes me feel so special, like there’s just no other girl for you. But lately I haven’t had any of it, and right now, I’m just so wanting and helpless. I want to call you, but I know what you’ll say. So I better not. I don’t know. I feel confused.
All I know is that I love, need, and miss you.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Life, Love, Madness, Realness, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, esmeralda, jon, jonathan, jonathan d beale, Life, Love, reality, the words we love, words
So I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night. Well, more like this morning, at 1 AM. I was confessing my confusion to him, the one I had towards Jon and I, and our not-yet “us”. I’m glad I spoke to him, because, well… In a way, he broke all confusion. Not all, but most, and I came to the conclusion that: IT’S JON.
It’s Jon whom I want by my side. It’s Jon whom I want to: love, change my facebook status with, care for, fight with, surprise, kiss, adore, message, massage, send letters to, hit, cry on, scream at, write on my blog about, be with, and eventually make love with or to. It’s Jon, because he makes me smile all the time, and he’s on my mind too much. And with him I don’t feel like I’m cheating on anyone. Actually, with him it feels just right, like it’s something that was meant to happen all along, after all of our “drama”. It was just meant to happen, and now it’s happening. I’ve given Jon my heart. I’m all Jon’s. I don’t want to think about any other guy, or think that any other guy is able to. And I’m glad I don’t.
But…
His message did madden me, among many other feelings. But it made me mad because, because he said I thought he was a fool. And I don’t believe he is. Besides, he shouldn’t have gotten mad at my message. My facebook status says I’m single. And yes, I know it’s pretty pathetic to say that just because my facebook status says so, then it must be. But that’s not my point. My point is that he said he would change it. Or that we would. And we haven’t. So he shouldn’t get mad. Because I can have as many guys. But then that’ll mean he can have as many girls, and I don’t want him to, because I want him just for me, which is why I believe we should go public.
I also felt happy, because he said things he hasn’t. And it just made me see how much he does love me. But he labeled himself as “the other him”, just because my stupid self wrote that on a blog.
But…
JON! You’re not the other him. My love, my precious love… YOU ARE HIM.
And there’s no other. There is just you and I, and me waiting on you. And me telling you that I love you more than anyone. That my heart is yours, only yours, and no one else’s. Gosh, Jon. I wish you could get into my head. This isn’t a game. This is true. I’m risking it all for you…
I’m going through one hell of a ride right now. That much is true. But the one thing I’m completely sure of is you. I’m sure that this is right, and that my feelings for you are utterly genuine. So please, never ever ever dare say I’m playing games with you! Or that I’m not yours, or that I don’t love you. Because YOU would only be fooling YOURSELF.
Filed under: Confusion, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Madness, Sad, Thoughts, friends, realizations
I don’t know what anything means anymore. I have lost any kind or type of sense I had about the world or its belongings. I don’t know what love is, or what it means to be in love. I don’t know what life is, or what it means to live. I’m just going day by day, living on impulses and instincts. But he says that instincts shouldn’t be trusted, because they can mislead us to places or ideas full of non-controlling madness and loss. And I agree. Right now I’m in this overlapping place, where all these emotions are taking a hold of my body, as if demons possessing me. And they’re so many, I don’t know which one to go by indefinitely.
There’s him, and the fact that I must move on and forget about him. Yet the love is so strong, and for some odd reason, every time I try for the slightest to just forget, I actually feel quite guilty, as if I was cheating on him. And it is odd. It truly is odd, for we are not together, and we never will be, because he’s fallen in love our friend, and he can’t manage to forget her. And that’s just another extremely eccentric fact, that him and I are both in the same exact position. Still, I have to hold it in, because he needs a goddamn friend. And I try… But there’s nothing that could get to him. Nothing that I know of anyways.
Aside from that, there’s the other him, Jon. He’s amazing, and he’s the guy I’m honestly, hands down, willing to give my heart to. But this is my life, and my life has to provide all sorts of barriers, because I obviously can’t be entirely happy. So to honor this fact, there’s this girl, and she’s with him, and I fear her presence next to him. I know she wants him. It’s kind of obvious, aside from the fact that I know girls because I am one. But it’s just the way she’s always craving for his attention, and the way she teases his acquaintances so he can get completely envious and just want her. I’m actually aware of the fact that he has feelings for her, even though he loves me. Yes, he loves me, or as so he says. Today I actually told him that it’s either her or me. He broke down, told me why he’s with her, which I sort of already knew, and told me that he’s choosing me. I was happy, of course. But it just wasn’t enough. Truth is, I love you just isn’t enough when you know the man you love has feelings for another girl. So I told him to drill these words into the tissues of his brain: Actions speak louder than words. He said he’ll never forget, and I hope he doesn’t, because I think he just stole it… That thing in the middle of my chest that pumps blood around my body. I believe he did. Still, there are times when I don’t know whether to believe him or not. So all I do is fear for my soul…
Adding to the list, there’s them. And them not being able to understand, and my fear of them telling me things I just don’t wish to listen to. This is why I don’t tell them my real losses, because I just don’t want to listen to their cold, dead words trickle down my body, making me shiver. I don’t want to just sit there and take it in, because I want to be a good friend, and I don’t want to fight them off when they’re saying something “enlightening”. This is why I’ve been so gloomy lately. I haven’t been able to express myself, and since my words are never read, then writing doesn’t appease me to its fullest.
Last, but never least, is the consequence of all of these facts. I am lost; that is the outcome. I am lost inside my own head, trying to find myself once again. And there’s no map, no particular directions. It’s just an empty dirt-road, leading to nowhere. And all this looking and trying to find out things, has made me mentally and physically exhausted, too lonely, and tired. But my soul is just tired of being tired… So it doesn’t even know it’s actual state of being.
I just want to cease existence, and disappear into the nothingness for a while.
Filed under: Blogroll, Frustration, Love, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, esmeralda, Frustration, fuck, fuckity fuck, Life, Love, realizations, Thoughts
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuckity, fuck, fuck.
I just hate it how he manages to always be on my mind. And yes, I know right now everyone is saying, “Well, if he’s there it’s because you let him.” Truth is, I don’t. When I’m not thinking about him at all, that’s when he pops out of nowhere and just fills me up. Not him per say, but the thought of him. It’s horrible. Unfortunately, I have to put up with it, because it’s how it is. Plus, he’s finally coming, not that we’ll actually talk or hang out or anything. But at least I’ll see him, and then I’ll know. I’ll just know… Thing is, I love him, or at least I think I do, and he’s just… there, I guess. But I have to be patient. I have to wait. Good things come out of waiting, or as so they say. Who knows?
Filed under: Blogroll, Letters, Love, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blog, esmeralda, it's you, j, Life, Love, sincerely, words
Dear you,
I know what you said, and truth is, I’m not moving along. Yes, life goes on, whether you’re dead or alive; recognized or forgotten. It all goes on. But you must know something; you MUST know this: even though I’m waking up every morning, and going to school, and even though it seems I’m moving along… my life just isn’t the same without you. After you, I lived, and experienced. After you, I grew, and learned, and even managed to like. But after you, there was no love. It’s you, whether unfortunate or grateful.
It’s you…
Filed under: Blogroll, Confusion, Happiness, Life, Love, Poetry, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, Confusion, esmeralda, j, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, realizations, weird moments, weirdness
I was too fragile the night you let me go.
It was dark, and raining, and there were no lights out, except for the glistening moon.
You held my hands in yours and said, “I think we should part.”
And next thing I knew you were letting go off my soaked up hands and walking in the opposite direction from where I stood.
You didn’t even kiss me.
You didn’t even manage to say, “Goodbye”.
You just left, like that.
And then my head started to think at full speed, going through the files of our relationship, trying to decode what went wrong.
Yet there was nothing that gave me a clue, for every second, minute, and hour we spent together was filled with glory from both parties.
Days passed, and everything seemed okay.
I could breathe, even if it was only for a few hours.
I could write again, even if the only thing I could write about was you.
And I could be myself again, even if being myself was just my own way of being close to you.
However, they would always creep behind me, and ask me personal questions about us.
And then they would try to “help me” by trying to decipher what happened, even if I didn’t really want to have knowledge of it.
And then there was this: they tried to tell me how to feel…
They tried to slither inside my thoughts and change how I feel about them…
How I feel about you.
So it shouldn’t feel odd that I’m asking you to save me.
It shouldn’t be awkward that I’m asking you to rescue me from them… from this world.
Even so, it does, because it’s you, and you left me out in the cold, with those stinging raindrops on my cheeks.
But truth is, I don’t care.
I’d ask you to save me a million times, even if those million times you say no.
Because truth is, you’re the only one I’d let help me… the only who can.
Filed under: Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, friends, realizations | Tags: esmeralda, friends, Life, Love, online love, poems, Poetry, steven, things that just happen, words
She came up to him slowly,
Taking his hands into hers,
Easing his troubles away.
Visions of harmony suddenly started to creep up into his mind,
Eating away at the hurtful memories he had encountered in the past.
Nothing stood in his mind, except for the silhouette of this mysterious girl that had helped him let go.
