Filed under: Confusion, Frustration, Life, Love, Sad, Secrets, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, esmeralda, hurt, i'm tired, jon, Love, realize, things that happen, tired, words
I wish you could see sometimes, what’s going on. But truth is, it’s not that you’re blind, or that I just don’t put stuff in your face. I do. But you intentionally rip out your eyes so you won’t have to care. You know, all you have to do is ask. No, not even. All you have to do is go to my blog regularly and just see, see where my thoughts are at the moment. But you don’t wish to. It’s such a drag lately, especially when you’re finally free and we don’t talk as much. Right now I was about to say, “but you know what? It’s all okay”. But I won’t, because I’m tired of pretending. I don’t like it, and this is NOT okay. Nothing is okay. I’m regularly saying I need you, but you take everything I say so lightly. I wonder if someday I start to grow very sad and I start to panic, and I say I need you, if you’ll joke about it, and say you’re tired and just hang up, because that’s how lightly you’ll take it. I wonder a lot sometimes. Well, lately I am. And I’m tired of wondering, I start to just shun things, and I sing inside my head. It sort of helps, you know? It does. For a while, I just don’t think, and I sing, and I start to make up this whole scene in my head as the lyrics go through my head. It’s rather cool.
But then something happens, and I get distracted, and I’m back to thinking that you… You’re not caring. And I hate it, because I have to think about your well-being, and you have to think about your well-being… So who thinks about me? Huh? And don’t give me crap about the fact that I should care about myself. I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW! One of the points of a relationship is the fact that each one cares for the other’s well-being, so oneself doesn’t have to. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. And you’re not good at it. You were… But I don’t know what happened and now you’re always tired and always busy and always something. And I’m scared of the fact that from now on, that’s all you’ll ever be. Just tired, busy, and something. And that you’ll never get to caring for me as you did before.
And I’M TIRED of always having to have a talk with you. I’m tired! But you don’t get that. Yet I ALWAYS have to get YOU and all your crap. But I’m tired Jon… I’m tired. And I wish you would realize that.
Filed under: Blogroll, Life, Love, Moments, Sad, Secrets, Thoughts, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, i love you, i miss you, i need you, Love, miss, need, words
These days I just wish we could be able to talk so I could tell you a couple of things I’ve been meaning to tell you. For starters, I love you. And I know maybe I say it a lot, but lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. I do. I do love you. And it’s not even the fact that lately I feel like I don’t say it enough. It’s just… I feel like you’re not there enough, so I have to write this in letters and poems and blogs, because I need someone to tell it to. But this isn’t enough.
But it’s all I have at the moment…
So, I love you Jon. I do. You are my forever. And the phrase could be such a cliche, but I don’t think it is. It’s perfect, and it defines us. Because we can do it. Because we’re far more strong than we give ourselves credit. It’s just that we both have a very long time without someone who would love us this way, so we’re a bit desperate. But we have to wait. Not a lot though, but we still have to wait. And we will, because it’ll so be worth it.
And I need you. I do! I need you so much. I need you here, or on the phone, or holding my hand, or looking into my eyes. I don’t really care how it is, but I need you. And I don’t want to accept it because maybe it’ll seem so childish and stupid or whatever, but I do. Many things have been going on, and I’m just trying, but I feel like I can’t take it. I need someone, and I need you Jon.
And lastly, I miss you. I miss your voice, and your sweet words, and your amazing love. I miss it all. I miss your eyes, and your smile, and your witty comments. And I love the way you lose yourself just thinking about me. It makes me feel so special, like there’s just no other girl for you. But lately I haven’t had any of it, and right now, I’m just so wanting and helpless. I want to call you, but I know what you’ll say. So I better not. I don’t know. I feel confused.
All I know is that I love, need, and miss you.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Blogroll, Happiness, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, body, esmeralda, great, i should be lost without you, jon, jonathan d beale, journeys, Love, love poems, soul, the end, the end of her journey, words, words that we love
Most picture the end as something that must come,
something sad and anxious,
something that souls don’t wish to come into contact with.
But for her it was completely the opposite.
The end was what she sought for most of the time,
and it was finally here.
The end of her journey was called Jon.
He was a brawny guy with cerulean eyes, as artists would say.
He had a tough character that would only melt at the sight of her,
with the biggest heart a man could carry.
And he entered her life by coincidence,
just happened to pass by.
But the passerby turned out to be the end,
and the end brought a lot of love and compassion.
And all of a sudden she was overwhelmed with feelings of fear and joy.
She was scared he would leave,
but she was too happy for having found the one.
And now he stood before her,
smiling away,
gazing deep inside the pools in her eyes,
waiting.
And as she stood right in front of him,
and as the static electricity pleaded for her to touch his body,
she immediately blurted out these words:
I should be lost without you
And with this, his smile faded,
and his eyes grew wide and full of joy,
speaking the many wonders his lips wouldn’t let him.
And so her lips parted wide, smiling away the smile she never thought she could,
holding onto his face gently,
caressing his soul,
and letting their lips engage into a wondrous occurrence.
For the first time the end had proved to be a great thing.
And for the first time the end turned out to be just the beginning.
Filed under: Blogroll, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, cerulean eyes, esmeralda, forever, hope, i love you, i miss you, jon, jonathan d beale, Love, love poems, my forever, today, true love, words
Today I saw myself without you.
Today I pictured a life lacking you.
No forever,
no love,
no cerulean eyes,
no brawny figure,
no tough character,
no amazing feeling,
no fair decisions.
And truth be told:
I didn’t like it.
I’m sorry. I am.
But it’s not possible anymore.
My heart and soul got used to you,
and thinking of you not being there in my near future,
trying to fathom that you won’t be a part of it all…
It just isn’t possible.
I’m not strong enough to let you go.
I’m not strong enough to even imagine your presence disappearing from beside me.
I don’t think you know the magnitude anymore;
don’t think you’re able to decode it.
you are my forever
That’s all I can say.
Now all I can do is hope…
Hope that through those beautiful, blue-sky eyes you’re able to grasp the fact that my love for you is too strong, and that I’ll never let go…
I’ll always be there, even after life itself ceases away.
I’ll be there for every high and low,
every good and bad,
every tear,
every smile,
every pain,
every sorrow,
every joy,
and every love.
I’ll always be there, if you allow it.
Because I want you to be my Jon.
Because I want to live the life and love I know we’re capable of.
Because it’s you, my Jon, it’s you.
I miss you.
Filed under: Happiness, Innocence, Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: beale, blog, cerulean, cerulean eyes, esmeralda, forever, jon, jonathan d beale, Love, manhood, once upon a day, once upon a time, passion, true love, words
Once upon a day, you came along…
And your brawny body shrieked of manhood,
while your fond soul squealed of passion.
And your cerulean-colored eyes quietly told a story of a man lost between the paths of love and virtue, trying to find his other half miles and miles away from him.
But as the distance grew thin, your stereotypical yet ironic ways began to fade away.
And then there was just you.
And then you knocked on my lifeless door,
ever so lightly,
and I opened up the portal to my heart.
And you took the freedom to sit at the edge of my bed,
while I sat exactly three feet away on that wooden chair,
the one where I spent hours contemplating the thought of you,
and you sighed.
And I asked, “Are you here?”
Because I felt you so far away.
But you answered, “Forever.”
And then, with a smile in my eyes, I knew….
Because as you spoke the one word, you stood up from my bed.
And as you cautiously walked towards me,
I felt my heart battling with my insides,
just trying to exit my body…
Just trying to unite with yours.
And as our lips touched,
and your strong hands caressed the sides of my face,
I realized nothing had ever felt this wondrous,
because nothing had ever managed to fill me up with such euphoria as this breath-taking experience, literally.
But then we both realized this experience was getting to me,
as I was slowly fainting inside your arms.
Yet you held me up gently just in time,
whispering into my neck with a worrisome voice, “You promised forever.”
And as I felt your breath against my neck,
and your words reach my ears,
I whispered back with a faded, yet genuine, smile, “And forever it’ll be.”
And it was forever,
because the man your eyes preached about was you.
And the other half miles and miles away was me.
And now we are here.
And it is forever…
Filed under: Happiness, Life, Love, Realness, Secrets, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, esmeralda, Love, post secret, postsecrets, Secrets, the words we love, topic of love
So I found some postsecret secrets on youtube. These were the ones I loved pertaining the topic LOVE.
1. “Sometimes I lie about the time in the morning so she’ll stay next to me a little longer.”
2. “I wish I knew how to fall out of love.”
3. “I thought all the words I wrote for you would be enough. They weren’t.”
4. “There is no time I feel more alive than when my heart is breaking.”
5. “I would do absolutely anything in the whole world if I thought it would make her happy.”
6. “I’m happy enough, but I regret that some 40 years ago, I left you, the love of my life, slip through my fingers…”
7. “I can’t wait until I’m OLD and WRINKLY with laugh lines… then everyone will know how HAPPY you’ve made me.”
8. “She REALLY loves you. Don’t waste it like I did.”
9. “It’s not her race. It’s not a trend. It’s not a fetish. It’s not her culture. I’m with her because I love her.”
10. “Be mine. Nothing more, nothing less.”
11. “This is the label from the ladder I’m stealing from work so I can climb up to your window and tell you how much I love you.”
12. “I no longer know where my life is heading, but I don’t care, as long as she’s riding shotgun.”
13. “I love you. That’s my secret. No hearts. No pretty drawings. No poems or cryptic messages. I LOVE YOU.”
14. “I could love you… I could.”
15. “I secretly hope that today is the day you will send me flowers for no reason.”
16. “In 8th grade, I made up a boyfriend to feel wanted… I’m 28… And I STILL wonder how he’s doing.”
17. “Someone needs to know I lover her. Thank you, Frank.”
18. “I want it to rain the day I get married.”
19. “I’m seventy years old. I’m happily married to a lovely and charming woman, have three wonderful children, a nice home, and lots of activities. I’m very happy. Thomas Wolfe once said, ‘You can’t go home again’. Perhaps not, but if there was a knock on the door tomorrow and it was the girl I dated when I was at school in New York I would, without hesitation, walk out with her with never a backward glance.”
20. “I want to leave him, but I’m too in love with the fucker.”
21. “5 years later I still wonder why we didn’t kiss in the park that night. WE SHOULD HAVE.”
22. “I lied. I want her to save me.”
23. I am NOT scared to fight the insurgents in Iraq. I AM scared you won’t be here when I come home 365 days later.”
24. “Since the day I met you 3 months ago, I have written 39 poems, 13 short stories, and COUNTLESS free writes. Every single one has been for you.”
25. “‘What are you doing?’ ‘Spinning counterclockwise. Each turn robs the planet of angular momentum, slowing its spin the tiniest bit, lengthening the night, pushing back the dawn, giving me a little more time here WITH YOU.’”
26. “I didn’t enlist to ‘escape’ you. I enlisted to pay for our wedding. Will you marry me?”
27. “None of the artwork made sense, but being there with you did.”
28. “After 29 years of marriage, my wife finally loves me.”
29. “I think I deserve a better story than ‘we met on Match.com’.”
30. “I’m still in love with whom you used to be.”
Filed under: Life, Love, Madness, Realness, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, esmeralda, jon, jonathan, jonathan d beale, Life, Love, reality, the words we love, words
So I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night. Well, more like this morning, at 1 AM. I was confessing my confusion to him, the one I had towards Jon and I, and our not-yet “us”. I’m glad I spoke to him, because, well… In a way, he broke all confusion. Not all, but most, and I came to the conclusion that: IT’S JON.
It’s Jon whom I want by my side. It’s Jon whom I want to: love, change my facebook status with, care for, fight with, surprise, kiss, adore, message, massage, send letters to, hit, cry on, scream at, write on my blog about, be with, and eventually make love with or to. It’s Jon, because he makes me smile all the time, and he’s on my mind too much. And with him I don’t feel like I’m cheating on anyone. Actually, with him it feels just right, like it’s something that was meant to happen all along, after all of our “drama”. It was just meant to happen, and now it’s happening. I’ve given Jon my heart. I’m all Jon’s. I don’t want to think about any other guy, or think that any other guy is able to. And I’m glad I don’t.
But…
His message did madden me, among many other feelings. But it made me mad because, because he said I thought he was a fool. And I don’t believe he is. Besides, he shouldn’t have gotten mad at my message. My facebook status says I’m single. And yes, I know it’s pretty pathetic to say that just because my facebook status says so, then it must be. But that’s not my point. My point is that he said he would change it. Or that we would. And we haven’t. So he shouldn’t get mad. Because I can have as many guys. But then that’ll mean he can have as many girls, and I don’t want him to, because I want him just for me, which is why I believe we should go public.
I also felt happy, because he said things he hasn’t. And it just made me see how much he does love me. But he labeled himself as “the other him”, just because my stupid self wrote that on a blog.
But…
JON! You’re not the other him. My love, my precious love… YOU ARE HIM.
And there’s no other. There is just you and I, and me waiting on you. And me telling you that I love you more than anyone. That my heart is yours, only yours, and no one else’s. Gosh, Jon. I wish you could get into my head. This isn’t a game. This is true. I’m risking it all for you…
I’m going through one hell of a ride right now. That much is true. But the one thing I’m completely sure of is you. I’m sure that this is right, and that my feelings for you are utterly genuine. So please, never ever ever dare say I’m playing games with you! Or that I’m not yours, or that I don’t love you. Because YOU would only be fooling YOURSELF.
Filed under: Blogroll, Dreams, Enlightenment, Happiness, Love, Poetry, Purity, Thoughts, weirdness | Tags: blog, dream within a dream, Dreams, Enlightenment, esmeralda, j, Life, Love, poems, Poetry, Purity, souls
It was a dream within a dream,
that’s exactly how it was.
And in that dream, life found their souls temporarily inhabiting in the exact same place, at the exact same time, withing the exact same context.
And as they woke up, their very souls found themselves trapped inside that dream.
They wandered, both dressed in the purest white, walking each one by themselves, each one filled with a sense of lonesomeness, around this unknown land full of darkness and insecurity,
finding themselves back to back at the middle of the trajectory.
As they slowly turn around, to try to discover the other’s identity, their hearts start to race, and their pulses grow thick, and their insecurity expands to the edges of the universe.
But then, out of the nothingness that came from within the place they were merely standing on, their hands felt the sudden need to touch, feeling the warmth that exhaled from each other.
Then a sense of touch filled their bodies, but he reacted first, softly caressing her fingers.
And then it came to his soul, the knowledge of knowing her, and the fact that he’s grazed those fingers before.
So he took her whole hand into his, caressing it tenderly, trying to decipher her softness, her delicateness… her.
And as he tried, her heart ran faster, because now she too recognized that feel, and the fingers that led it.
Still, she let his hands wander around hers, because somewhere inside her being , something was telling her that maybe it could be him.
And it felt like it was.
It was the way his fingers communicated with hers, and the way they knew where to go, and where to meet hers.
And then it was the mere fact that he softly signaled the words, “I Love You” onto her hand, something only he knew how.
With this realization, her heart stopped.
It literally stopped.
Yet she didn’t fade away, for she wasn’t really around the surroundings of reality to be able to do such thing.
Then her hand started to grow cold, and he realized it was her.
So he turned around, with a grin on his face, still gripping her hand, as a sudden impact of brightness shocked that dream.
And the whole place, whichever or whatever it was, was filled with light.
Not the bright, eye-hurting light, but the bright and soft light that oozes ones heart and drowns ones sorrows.
“Such purity meets in such obscurity,” whispers the dream, having carefully watched everything from his surroundings.
