Filed under: Ideas, Love, Madness, Realness, Secrets, Thoughts | Tags: blogs, burden, Happiness, jon, jonathan d beale, Love, rejection, secret thoughts, sweetness, trust, words
Oh sweetness! You should know this…
I do feel like a burden. It feels horrible. And despite what you say, my feelings still stand, and they always will. Well, I don’t know if they always will, but they surely will for quite a while. I hate the feeling though. That feeling that tells me that after a certain time, I’m just a bother. That feeling that suppresses me. That awful feeling. But it doesn’t go away. And if it doesn’t go away (if it hasn’t left yet), don’t you think it’s there for a reason? That maybe it’s trying to tell me something? that after the first several months of bliss, I’ll definitely be a bother? See, if I do get to transfer and be with you, I’ll completely erase myself from your radar for the whole week. At least for the whole day, maybe wanting to have your company at night right before going to sleep. But I don’t want you to get tired of me. I don’t want you to spend time with me because you HAVE to. I want you to do it because you WANT to. Because you love being with me, even if we’re just staring at each other, not talking. Because you love me… And my company is the best one yet! I’m just scared that right now you want me there, all the time. And then, once I’m there, all the time, with you… Then after a while you’ll completely change your mind. And that’s just going to be one of those situations where I won’t know what to do. And maybe I’ll start to roam around for a while, alone, wishing I could actually disappear to anther universe this time, so I won’t have to deal with your rejection. I guess my problem is just fear, fear that I finally have something that’s worth everything in the world, and that someday, that something that’s worth everything will want to leave me. Or your feelings will start to decay. And soon, just like a plant, it’ll die. I don’t want it to die. I want it to live and grow and be full of love, desire, and passion towards me and life, and all the things that make up life. That’s exactly what I want. And unfortunately I have no assurance that will come through for me. But I guess I just have to trust you and your feelings for now. And all those amazing, breathtaking words you keep on preaching. I love you, too much sometimes. Well, more like all the time. But yeah, I guess that’s what’s supposed to happen when someone steals your heart.
Written on 28 September 2009.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Life, Love, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts | Tags: blogs, Happiness, jonathan d beale, Love, only one, period, words
There’s only one thing I want out of life,
and that is YOU.
You and your outstanding physique.
You and your underrated psyche.
Just you…
Because,
even if you don’t think so,
you are amazing.
You’re not just a man…
You’re love.
You’re sweetness.
You’re passion.
You’re strength.
You’re compassion.
You’re boldness and chivalry.
You are even the color cerulean.
But most importantly,
you are my forever.
You are my smiles,
my tears,
my laughter,
my pain,
my joy,
my breathlessness,
my desire,
my passion,
my life…
You’re even that brightly lit moon that night to night accompanies that lonely star,
which is I.
I was alone and stripped from any kind of love for an eternity and seven months…
But then you appeared,
a superhero hidden under that natural brawny figure,
sweeping me off my feet into a better world.
And now you have me completely hypnotized with those loving cerulean eyes that make me melt any time I even dare to think about them touching my skin with their gaze.
Yet every time I do,
it’s all I desire.
“Strip me naked with your inhuman eyes and make love to me,” I shout within my heart, every time.
Like you once confessed,
I don’t know how I went this long without you.
I don’t even know why I claimed wonderful things about past lovers.
I didn’t know anything about anything until you arrived.
I used to have walls,
but you tore them apart.
And now there’s just you and me in the middle of all the dust and broken pieces,
embracing each other…
Loving each other.
I guess what I’m trying to say in shorter words is that I love you,
more than anything…
more than anyone.
And that I am more than honored to fulfill the role of your angel on earth for an eternity of forevers.
Jon,
What I’m trying to say is that
YOU’RE THE ONE.
Period.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Innocence, Life, Love, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Thoughts, realizations | Tags: blogs, cerulean, Happiness, jon, jonathan d beale, Life, Love, love words, true love, words
My words have never served for much.
They’re not artistic.
They don’t even sound as such.
They don’t save lives,
and they don’t pay for my independence.
Mainly they’re just a bunch of letters put together, periods, and commas put together for my entertainment.
… Until the day when I found the source of all art,
the source that filled me up with all these magnificent new feelings and experiences,
ones I’ve never been able to experience due to my limited-pass in life.
It greeted me with extremely simple yet astonishing words that opened new doors to wondrous worlds full of exciting adventures.
It smiled a smile that blinded my eyes,
filling me up with a light that radiated from its whole being,
and an emotion stronger than life itself.
The light didn’t hurt.
The light didn’t kill.
The light healed.
And it was better than the rich sight our eyes provided daily.
“Oh! With this light as my source of life, let me be blind forever!” I happily announced.
Yet that was when it gifted my sight back, showing me the vast, cerulean-colored sea.
Oh! What a sight!
Better than all the painted masterpieces sold.
Better than the poetic narratives that most preached about.
And seconds later,
without noticing,
I was swimming in the bluest, most staggering, sea.
And I was filled with such peace and bliss,
that my worries began to softly melt away,
not caring about the fact that I wasn’t gifted with the skill of swimming…
Not caring if I would drown and die in this ravishing ocean,
where my body would either float on or drown in for all eternity.
I didn’t care!
… For I was feeling a connection with it that was just too unbearably remarkable.
Something that I couldn’t explain,
for no words would be enough…
No words could do it justice.
And even if there were the one word that would describe it perfectly,
no one would comprehend the gravity of this fondness,
for this feeling has yet to be felt by the rest of human kind.
But then the water started to drain away.
And I was left in a place filled with nothingness,
with a presence that not only embraced my soul,
but that now embraced my figure.
What felt like its arms pulled me in gently,
and as they did,
I could make out a brawny figure.
And as I caught my breath,
I sucked in the most delightful smell emanating from its form.
I could feel its arms resting on the small of my back as I listened to the symphony of his breaths.
I then let my head rest on this being’s chest,
and as I did,
a man was revealed out of thin air,
hugging me tightly,
his face buried in my hair.
He was white as milk,
but with a light touch of caramel.
His eyes were cerulean.
His hair was dirty blonde.
His figure was muscular, powerful, and grand!
And so breathtaking.
He was perfect…
Like a Greek God.
Everything about him had an air of mystery and a sense of complexity.
But in her head,
all she could perceive was the fact that he was just an angel gifted from above.
Her newfound inspiration.
A true miracle.
Her miracle!
One she would keep forever even if keeping him forever meant writing about him to the world daily.
She would do it…
All for him…
For she not only just discovered the beauty and inspiration she’d never had.
She had discovered something bigger…
BETTER!
… Love.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Happiness, Ideas, Letters, Life, Love, Madness, Moments, Poetry, Realness, Relief, Secrets, Thoughts, advice, realizations, weirdness | Tags: blog, blogs, esmeralda, Letters, Love, notebooks, notes, notes from my notebook, poems, sadness, the start of things, words
So I have this notebook where I write a lot of crap, and I guess I’ve been writing a lot of crap throughout the year. Here are some of them:
1. Numbers begin to appear next to algebraic figures. It makes no sense to you…
2. Winter Rush>
And I got high again.
It was winter, and the cold breeze just made you want to give it one more try.
Flakes of all different shapes emerged from the puffy clouds.
It was beautiful yet ironic.
I was standing in the middle of it all,
giving it a name; “Glass Wonderland”.
This rush only comes every five months.
My instincts advised to make the best of it;
so I did.
Oh, the glories!
The ways it made me feel,
waking up my most inner emotions.
The rush that went through my nose going straight to my brain,
traveling all of my body through my blood.
I could feel it all.
Everything just felt so acute.
The way my blood rushed through my veins.
How the pumping could be listened through my ears.
Everything was out of this world.
But the best part is yet to come.
I got shipped to another world.
Every…
3. I wish I could paint a new world,
one that wouldn’t be against me,
where things weren’t black or grey,
and fairness reigns.
4. There are times when things don’t go our way, and we stall for time to be able to take back all the things said and done, especially those we regret. But most of the time we can’t take it all back. Most of the things we say and do are permanent.
5. It’s a new day, so new words have to be born, and written. And today I wish to write to you and preach of love, my favorite subject.
It’s love, and the way we look at things, and the way those things make us feel. And the fact that there’s someone there, whether not physically next to you all the time, but their mind is constantly…
6. New days are wonderful, because it means we can have new experiences, or we can produce new words and say them out loud, and mean them with our hearts on our hands. And these words and experiences may change us or enhance the way we think or feel.
So this is why I’m writing to you, because I want to provide new experiences, and at least change your day a bit, because maybe with my words I won’t be able to change your thoughts, or inspire you in some way.
Also, given the fact that soon it’ll be that day in February filled with love and corniness, I wish to write to you and fill you up with thoughts of love, my favorite subject. And to finally confess the things I haven’t been able to say or show.
I know it’s not obvious, but you should know that it was due to your eyes…
7. Let’s figure it out.
Let’s see how things are meant to be once we open our eyes to the today,
and once we line things together,
and once those things work out.
Because the truth is,
we rarely know what we want,
and when we do,
we let it all go to waste.
8. My Julian was always lost in thoughts.
His mind always wandered to unknown places.
It was feelings he most frequently sought,
feelings of love and care in most cases.
While in search of those great feelings, he wrote,
wrote of his broad perceptions,
leaving blissful and inspiring notes
to the loving ladies he so mentions.
Nevertheless, he was broken in two,
forever trying to fairly decide.
Julian knew he loved her justly too,
but his heart and soul belongs to Lecide.
In the end, Julian was too aware,
and chose the right path to the perfect lair.
9. There are times when life hits you hard, and when the aftermath arrives you start thinking about the other times when your soul would be on a string, and about to fall, but there would be nothing you could do, except for mourning, screaming, crying, and letting your feelings out. And as you think…
10. This time it was the sun who woke up the feeling.
The outstanding rays shone on the exact right spot and the heat arose the emotions.
It wasn’t planned.
I don’t believe anyone,
not even destiny,
had the idea that this would ever take place.
But it did.
The girl didn’t seek; at least not in that direction.
But she found.
11. Hello.
I don’t know want to write
and if I do, it’ll all be a lie.
Because I’m numb
and I don’t feel anything to
be writing about it.
Filed under: Blogroll, Enlightenment, Life, Love, Realness, Thoughts, advice, realizations | Tags: advice, blogs, Confusion, esmeralda, he, Life, Love, online dating, reality, realizations, words
When people have blogs, they’re usually filled with narratives of their everyday life. Or simply filled with jokes, or stories, or things you’d want to share with people in general. One rarely sees, or comes across, a blog filled with poems and stories written by the person owning the blog, but it does happen. In my case, it does happen.
However, it’s nice to let the people reading your blog have a sneak peek at your life, or what is of your life at the moment, which is why I’m writing today.
I’m always going to TS, and a while ago I met this guy. I’m not going to tell you his name, but let’s call him Jake. Point is, I added him on Facebook, or he added me. I don’t remember who did what, but we just started talking right away. He was a nice guy, very buff, and funny. He was just nice to talk to. Yet we would rarely talk, for I wasn’t keeping tabs on him until the other day, when I saw him on Facebook, and I spoke to him, because I was bored. Yes, I was bored and that’s why I spoke to him. However, after a while I just wanted to talk to him. It’s like I was looking at him with a new set of eyes. He just called my attention, and so I asked for his messenger so we could talk over there.
After that day we’ve been chatting on messenger. And I was very bold enough to tell him we should have a challenge. I told him we both had to pick two people and make them fall in love with us. The first one who’d achieve that would win. And well, we chose each other, and then we decided on dating. I don’t know if it’s real dating or just online dating, which just isn’t as serious as the real thing. He tells me he likes me, and I tell him I like him. I know I’m not lying, but then I don’t know if he is.
So it’s very confusing. Online dating isn’t as awesome as some would think. You can’t see the person, much less know how they really feel, and what’s actually going through their mind every time they tell you something. You don’t even know what’s going on in their lives. And if they do, there’s a 51% chance that may be truer than the feelings they say they have for you.
It just is how it is.
